Lies x Infinity

Before I got swept away in all this current email communication, I had only just posted that I wanted it all to end.

That it should end because that's what I wanted. It sucks when you realize you've been lying to yourself. It's not what I wanted, it's what I knew I needed but DIDN'T want. Letting go is infinitely harder than falling for someone, than breaking up with someone, than resenting someone. Than forgiving someone.

But it is harder still to forgive myself for being so weak.

I could continue to be in denial and say, "Oh you see? I can write joking, happy, FRIENDLY emails to him. We're good. I'm good. Things are good, goddamnit!"

Yeah, things are good until you realize you've just pushed yourself to the edge of fucking doom all over again.



Bottom line? What my heart wants always spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.