I’ve known this for some time now—
Ever since I made the decision to let go of my hesitation, to fall all the way in. That perhaps, the “best” (and quotes are inserted because I’m wary of using words of such absoluteness for these situations) thing now is for me to let go again, but this time to release the burden of my own hurt. True, I don’t regret my actions and decisions for they led to memories dear to my heart, but I can’t go at it alone anymore.
This is enough. I’m not willing to let myself settle for something that seems together but isn’t at all.
I was asked by some close few, “Why yield [then]? Wouldn’t it make the end worse?”
I battled with questions such as these every time I need to make a decision, and boy, the struggle sure doesn’t get any easier with experience! It’s hard for me to explain sometimes, even to myself, why I chose to do this and not that (and sometimes it happens I do know, but stubbornly won’t admit to it). Now and then, my train of thought hits upon some rational logic that confirms my decisions, my actions. My wholly irrational behavior. Yet, when I pinpoint it to explain to others, oftentimes my epiphany seems too fleeting to grasp. I suppose this is the delicate balance between personal intuition and self-doubt.
I wonder, that if a human being goes through life in various stages, changing into a different person while at the same time is considered to be the same person…shouldn’t relationships between people be viewed the same way?
So, I s’pose that when I mean “ending it” (hm, I really should devote an entry to exploring why I’m unable to use finalistic words without tagging it in quotes! EDIT 10/23: ENTRY DEVOTED), it’s not so much a conclusion as it is starting anew. And of course, not forgetting to learn from the past so as to not repeat it. I can’t presume that I won’t fall for another guy in the same way I fell for him (in fact, it seems I’m inclined to do so), but at least I can say it won’t happen for the same guy twice.
Enough is enough, at least it should be by now (as if I repeat over and over again, it'll finally decide to sink in on its own)…
He’s right in all that he said to argue his side, and it doesn’t help that in general my wants mirror his as well. I do want to spend more time with him given the chance—he makes me laugh, smile from my lips to my eyes to my heart. I mean, right there is a big part of why I surrendered to my feelings before. I’d rather chose to be happy instead of dwelling in things that won’t change simply because I can’t stop thinking about it. If I hadn’t lived the moment to be happy instead of letting my hurt mar what little time I had left with him, I’d regret it.
However, in this moment my gut feeling is not in consensus with my feelings anymore. I don’t want to say no to seeing him one last time before he leaves for Europe, and let me tell you, he sure knows how to persuade, which might be due to a combination of him knowing me all too well and me being naturally inclined towards him! Either way, I know that I can’t just cut off our friendship this time, but neither can I let our friendship continue along in the manner it is now—was. If I were to do that, I’d probably end up exceeding my hurt threshold and the friendship would not last through all the ambiguity.
“So, you don’t want to taint the memories?” He asked me over the phone, and in part, rightly so.
Maybe I’m too scared or what…only I can’t keep giving as I’d give to a relationship when we aren’t in one nor can I pluck up the courage to overcome the heart’s natural resistance to being so openly transparent to another.
For it is a gift, yes. And, when I give my heart to anything—be it family, friendship, or love—I don’t expect anything in return. I realized, however, that I confused a certain distinction and overlooked an important detail. I love giving gifts, especially the small little things that I know would make someone happy. I feel a giver carries a sort of responsibility…or, it could be called a sense of pride, to give something that is needed or wanted, something that matters to both involved.
Yet, I learned the hard way (which I think is the way for most) that you can only give yourself so fully if you don’t end up losing yourself in the process. And, I think if things were to stand as is, I’d stagnate myself and be stuck in the past. Stuck in what can’t be, or to be said more harshly, never was.
So, yes I don’t want to taint the past memories.
Rather than having the memories pull me down, I opt for carrying them with me.