the laid.back Buddhist has MOVED...back!

Sunday, October 21

Unfurl

If you're feeling happy, don't read this. Do yourself a favor and wait for tomorrow's.

I try not to post when I'm feeling emotionally hyper-sensitive (which happens roughly once a month...um, yeah). However then I realized that was defeating the whole purpose of having a personal blog.

So, I figured that if you're gonna read about all the absurdities in my life...well, be warned, you'll read about my inner demons as well!

Thanks to Jon's recent post for reminding me of all the courage and trust in honesty.


Photography: Kyoto Bamboo by Steven Miller


Can’t get you out of my head, I can’t.

It drives me nuts sometimes.

You know. I’m trying, really trying hard here. But when I suddenly realize I’ve been successful, much more successful than thought possible… I’m seized with these moments of wholly irrational fear.

I don’t want you gone.

What I wanted was something that was never really there at all.

It’s always a secret. I always felt like a goddamn secret, like hush-hush this is dangerous ground to be treading on. Let’s pretend we’re not seeing what we see.

Oh, let’s.

Let’s safely act generic because that feels so special, right.

Right, it takes some kind of special to read through these mixed signs. Just smoke signals for the sentimental sweetheart, I guess. I’m alone in this, as I’ve always been. While my heart is an open book for you to read whenever you pleased. You wrote once, the day you surprised me with flowers, that I seem to easily step over whatever barriers you’ve put up. I didn’t even know there were barriers to overcome then. Now though, I can clearly see the new ones placed between us…

I see them. It frustrates me to see those words of yours, but I’m letting it go. Letting them stand there. And not feel disappointed yet again, not realizing that I had again involuntarily expected more. I’m not pushing forward for you anymore.

I end my seduction in this.

So, stop haunting me in my dreams...

Sometimes, the darkness of night still reminds me of you, but believe me, I’m working on changing that. It takes some getting used to. Time to shake off that feeling, a shadow of your warmth.

I got new sunglasses yesterday. So I can throw my favorite old ones, the ones you picked out…away.

They finally broke.

And I was set free to choose new ones.

21 Musing(s):

Fruit species said...

It reminds me of Kylie and her na na na. Can't get you out of my head! Oops, now I really can't :)
Fruity

Joanne said...

Fruit Species: LOLs, I LOVE that song, so catchy! Hm, I'm going to put that song in my playlist right now to listen to, haha. =)

cooper said...

The last lines work so perfectly here.

Beth said...

Great post. New choices is a nice way to put it.

Joanne said...

Cooper: Thanks, I didn’t realize until I wrote it how symbolic it was for what I’m feeling. Haha, I’m super-excited about my new shades!

Beth: Thank you! =) It’s about putting things into the perspective that best helps you see ever new perspectives, I s’pose. Life is much happier as an optimist, haha. ;)

Kimchihead said...

Hang in there, kid. :)

conan_cat said...

oh yeah, since you know that you are an optimist, i guess you'll get over this downtime real soon! :D yurp, it's broken already wert, so why sulk over it? just get a new one! of course memories will come back, but let memories stay sweet and nice, and reality stay happy and progressive :)

daily said...

Those damn little reminders! If it persists you could always move to Alaska and experience no darkness of night of weeks on end.

Katherine said...

*hug* I know, for the most part, how you feel. There are moments (mostly when I'm lying in bed or riding the bus, for some reason), when the past is the present again, and I don't even try to fight it. Dreams, too...so vivid, and annoyingly uncontrollable.

There are some lyrics from a song that always remind me of you and myself: "I've written pages upon pages/Trying to rid you from my mind..."

I'm sad that anyone made you so bitter, but each day's a little bit of progress, right?

Susie said...

I know that feeling, been there, gone throught it, been there again, sometimes with the same guy, sometimes with a new... It does pass with time and new sunglasses are always cool.

meleah rebeccah said...

Thank you for sharing this with us...

Im sure many of us (like myself) can really relate to this.

Eliogabalo said...

The Sun is in your face.
The night, is out of you.

Kindly regards.

keeyit said...

Old one must go to welcome the new one..

Nola said...

It's the ones that break your heart that make you learn and grow the most. Still sucks, though. Good writing, as usual :)

Joanne said...

Kimchihead: Aw, thanks. I’m definitely doing that! =)

Conan: Exactly, it’s the whole process of building a new heart that takes time, lols. I do and have kept some very sweet memories…the tricky part is making sure the good memories don’t make me overlook/ignore the reasons why it didn’t work in the first place.

Dailytri: LOLs! I could for a bit, before high-tailing outta there due to an inability to endure extreme cold weather for very long.

Kath: It doesn’t shock me anymore how easily you can relate, how much you understand me.

Susie: Yeah, it sounds clich├ęd but time is good for all sorts of things. I’m constantly switching sunglasses as I either lose, break, drop, sit, or step on them!

Meleah: You’re very welcome, it’s more a releasing of a knot for me. I’m thankful I can express and share it with others, it helps the healing process.

Eliogabalo: Aww, that’s sweet. Haha, although I feel I’ll always have night and sun warring inside of me! ;)

Keeyit: Yup, if it’s the right thing to do at the time. I don’t want to rush things when I’m obviously not ready. Then again, when are we ever 100% sure? Which is why it’s just easier to go with the flow, riding out all the ups and downs that go along with it.

Nola: Oh, definitely. I wouldn’t take a single experience back…I’ve learned so much! Yeah, I figure as much as it sucks, it’ll probably make me appreciate the non-sucks good times even more, lols.

sabrinasmoneymatters said...

My friend and I talk by phone daily during our drives home and we contemplate the situations and life and how symbolic simple things can be. I think that being able to attach a memory to an object that you can replace is a wonderful step, it in itself means you've achieved a level of distance from the hurt.

Perception is everything. Great post.

Joanne said...

Sabrina: Yeah, I figure it's how we attribute smells to certain memories or even food to certain people. Sometimes I wonder why then did I have to attach a symbolic memory to an object/place if it's going to make letting things go that much harder after...but I realize that perceiving that relative distance/closeness gives me a better understand of where I stand, in the here and now.

polliwog said...

I adore your beautiful writing Joanne. Thank you for saying these things. Yous ay them for those of us who can't say them. Because we don't have this gift with words that you do, or simply because our kids read our blogs and we have to still be careful what we do say. I understood every word here, and it is fresh and raw for me too. Thank you.

Joanne said...

Polli: Awww! LOLs, I can def. understand that...but your words, especially in this comment, encourages me to continue writing without letting fear of others' judgment get in the way. I've found knowing others share similar experiences and feelings is one of the best form of support we can give each other...so thank YOU!

kathleenmaher said...

I agree with Polliwog, except I'm not really lol. Your writing is funny; it's warm and engaging but unless you'd said before hand how emotional--meaning, if you're like me, especially susceptible to irritability and tears and to say noting of migraines, I wouldn't have guessed. I've written most of my life, and usually with very serious intentions, which doesn't mean it's not sometimes funny. My motto, thought, requires tossing discretion and vanity out the window. Let the best and worst of yourself off their leases so they can frolic. You'll feel better and recognize that even Buddhists can't entirely escape life's furies.

Joanne said...

Kathleen: What wise and heartwarming words! Thank you for sharing them with me. =) I agree, the whole point of living with no regrets, with sincere appreciation...is to let yourself feel everything (be it good, bad, or in between) to the max. Each experience is unique, and so I wouldn't want to miss out on it, haha.


IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING.
Winston Churchill