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Wednesday, October 3

What My Mother Taught Me About Sex

Let's see...

  1. You can become pregnant and get STDs
  2. You are not allowed to have it until you are married
  3. The handsome Dr. Oz is wrong: sex 200 times a year (3-4x a week) is too much and downright unhealthy

Yeeeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Which is why I've slowly been educating my kid sis (16 yrs-old this December) on this subject because I'm a firm believer in the idiocy of abstinence-only sex education.

I tell her how to use a condom, how girls (and even guys, too) can have multiple orgasms, how 85% of men will lie about their sexual history in order to get into your pants, how sometimes the symptoms of an STD will NOT appear on men (but will on women), how to avoid camel toe, how beautiful our female sexuality is, how to defend against rape and so on.

I'm waiting until she's older with a developmentally more mature mindset (most likely, sometime during her own college years) before we talk specifics, lols, about the pleasures and the spiritual aspect of sex.

Until then, Mom's "no sex until you are married" stands golden.

However, my mom taught us something else...something I wouldn't have been able to learn from textbooks, from researching the internet, from all the thousands of studies done on this topic.

She taught me how to love.

...while giving me the twin gifts of self-confidence and curiosity.

Armed with those two things, I discovered what it means to be lustful, sexual, and sensual...for myself. You see, my parents never talked about sex to me. It's a traditional Asian thing for them. Instead, they showed me what it means (and takes) to be in an intimate relationship just by being themselves.

My basis for friendships comes from my mom and it adds to my ideas of relationships, which comes from my parents.

Because of them, I believe an idealistic relationship is not only unrealistic but also very unfulfilling. It isn't possible to have an ideal relationship where everything’s smooth sailing and constantly hunky-dory; however, that doesn’t imply that in a real relationship, two people shouldn’t strive for the ideal by honestly working together through the bumps. Just as most everybody will agree that while perfection is unattainable (not to mention highly subjective), it still remains necessary and healthy for every person to strive to improve. Towards their own ideal of perfection.

So, then...what do I feel is "ideal" for a real relationship?

Well, besides having the 3 components (friendship love, romantic love, and physical love), for a relationship to be truly rewarding for me, I need to feel that I can be vulnerable and it's okay. It's okay because such openness gives me strength to love MORE instead of feeling like I want to crawl up in the nearest hole and hide away forever and ever.

That person for me will first be a friend before becoming one of my closer friends.

The whole “friends before lovers” idea?

Yeah, it seems I definitely need that.

Actually, I think that may be one of the reasons why Mr. Dozen Lavender Roses missed the mark for me, well, among other considerations (and the fact that he willingly interned at Haliburton).

However, as much as I give myself in my friendships, I know that I can’t help but give something more (due to my feelings of romantic love for this person) and in this, sexual attraction will probably add to the romance of it all.

Then comes a point where my relationship with another will become more important than my relationship with my family...

At this point of vulnerability and trust, I should hope this is with a person I would like to marry. For in that relationship, the number one priority in my life will no longer be for my immediate family (as much as I dearly love them). My parents and sister will become “extended family,” and the first priority will be the family I create with the man I choose for life.

That's what my mother taught me...it's more important than sex.

And sex is pretty important. ;)

51 Musing(s):

Unknown said...

Hi Joanne,
I am Filipino, so I know about the Asian aspect of not talking about taboo topics. Thanks for sharing. That was pretty personal.

Anonymous said...

That is a good lesson from ur mum :) nice one lols

Anonymous said...

I agree with chessnoid completely. Good job!

Joanne said...

Chessnoid: No problem, I learned a lot about sex education last year, especially since as RAs we put on a lot of educational programs/workshops for our residents. So when timing's appropriate, lols, I share the info with my friends and sister.

Limdang: Yeah, it's amazing what mothers can teach...and I only seem to learn more from her as I get older.

Rinchen: Thanks. =)

Anonymous said...

My mother taught me quite a bit. I was fairly informed, but could you please go over the multi orgasm part again.
;)

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute... how old is everybody around here? Am the only 28 year old around! :P

Anonymous said...

Joanne: i think i did posted about th e Handsome Dr OZ fact about 200 orgasm a year right..

so now that fact is not true one already hehe just wondering actually....so that i don't have to do that once i got married lols ! :))

Anonymous said...

My mother didn't teach me nothing ... LOL! You know the Asian taboo about speaking on subjects like these. You're expected to learn this by yourself ... Those are the old ways, I guess we have to change with the times and educate our kids on stuff like this ...

conan_cat said...

well, my mom never teach me anything about sex period. in fact, she thinks that it's a much better idea for me to stay away from girls because she thinks girls are trouble, being in a relationship is bad for studies, whatever blah blah and yeah you know the thing.

that's why i don't have a girlfriend. XD *ahem hehe*

my mom seldom talk about love either. she thinks that love is just all puppy love and not much of it is real neither. so does my dad, they really rarely talk about their dating experience. the only thing i know is that my dad used to be a tuition teacher for my mom... XD haha

asian mom and dads. you know. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I almost fell out my chair at this:

"how to avoid camel toe..."

You are a truly practical woman. your sister is lucky to have you around.

Note to guys who crush so hard they have to send flowers: don't do it, women just get creeped out and you're down $50. Friends first usually is the best way to go. (I have experience at this: my wife and I were friends for seven years before dating!)

ChrissyJo said...

haha :) fun to read - the only advice my mom gave me, "Chris - guys don't like condoms." Luckily I'm a lot smarter than her. Love is hard work until you find the right person. I've had many hard, painful relationships and that was how it always was - til I found my love :). Great post as always.

Unknown said...

I'm self-educated and would describe sex as wonderful but extremely overrated and often outright boring. Sex itself can, however, be boosted into something more satisfying.

mikkers said...

a very personal post to publish! I don't know if I would have done the same, but it opens a good realm of discussion on a topic that most don't like to talk about.

As for sex, I don't think my parents ever gave me a real good sitting down talk but they sure emphasized the "you are totally screwed if you ever tell us you are pregnant" and thus I am insanely paranoid about becoming pregnant to the point where it can safely be diagnosed as some sort of psychological problem (um, I am exaggerating...a bit). Other than that, the statistic that "you have slept with every other person that the person you are sleeping with has slept with" it sorta scary and has kept me from being one of those free-for-all girls. I like to have an invitations only party, if you know what I mean.

And as for "friends before lovers" I don't know how accurately I have followed that good advice. I mean, Vinh and I barely knew one another but started going out right away on a sort of a blind date thing. I think I was in a challenging, exploratory mode then since it was my freshman year. But it was sorta against the norms for us to pop out and suddenly say that "hey, we haven't known each other for very long, but we like each other!", so we decided to wait a month before we actually announced we were going out. :P

delmer said...

My (then) 13-year old son and I had a talk not long ago in which he told me he thought abstinence-only was the way to go (he attends Catholic school) and he gave me the reasons why.

I explained that his attitude was likely to change in the next couple of years and when they did, and he needed condoms, he (and his friends, if needed) should come to me.


(In all fairness to the school he attends, they sent a special note home letting parents know that sex ed was coming up and what would be covered.)

Terence Chang said...

hmm...

I learned sex all by myself with help from my wife. ;-)

Personally, a good relationship between two lovers is more important than having sex every day.

Very interesting post! Can't resist to stumble it!

Now I will be your readers! Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Well, so much good sense, really I can't add anything but comply with you ;-)
Wise wise girl you are ain't you :)

Anonymous said...

What an insightful and "all grown up" attitude! One key component in putting all the pieces together is bonding with a guy who wants to be included in your family. Then you won't feel like you're giving them up to be in love. Just keep 'em at a safe distance!

Joanne said...

Cooper: HAHA, hm..yeah..multiple orgasms = pretty amazing, esp. since there are different types a girl can have to varying degrees. Not every one has to be the big “O” where it feels like your nerves have gone and exploded, and actually I think I prefer the buzzing kind more. It takes practice for a guy to get it, probably because he tires after one, LOLs. Oh! And, I recently learned in one of my classes that not all male ejaculations equal an orgasm. So, I guess girls aren’t the only ones who can fake it, haha.

Rinchen: Hm, guessing from my commenters, I think there’s a wide range of readers: from mid-teens to mid-30s to mid-40s (?).

Limadang: It’s not so much a fact as it is a matter of opinion, particularly since everybody’s preference and needs are different, you know? Because of media influences, people often think other people are having more sex than they actually are. Personally, life gets busy and if I don’t get enough sleep, I feel all blah and cranky…it’s not pretty! ;)

Spiff: I think it’s more significant to instill a sense of self-awareness, and yeah education is important but it doesn’t change the fact that I keep an eye on my sister’s guy friends. Especially this boy named Billy from her academic summer camp, lols. I want her to be informed, but I don’t encourage her to explore in that way….teens are the first coming-of-age years, it’s more important for her to explore herself, who she is.

Conan: You are too funny, LOL! My mom always calls it puppy love, makes me wonder when it’s never not for her. I think she’s just afraid I’d fall in over my head just because it might be the first time I experience certain feelings, etc. My dad is one year younger than my mom: they were college sweethearts and my mom thought he was such an engineering dork (I’ve looked at old pictures, he totally was, haha!!!). Ha, your parents’ experience reminds me of my maternal grandparents’…they are 10 years apart, he was a university professor and she was his student.

Pete: Hey, a good friend would discreetly tell a friend if she’s showing it so I’d be remiss in my duties as an older sister if I didn’t! Actually, I felt the gesture was very romantic. Only that it wasn’t handled very well and it didn’t help that at the time, I already had my affections engaged for another guy. I agree that small gestures are probably a better way to go (as much as I love getting flowers)! Girls are really observant, we notice these things.

Chrissyjo: Wow, thank goodness you are!

Daniel: Hmm…I wouldn’t go so far as to call it overrated. Sex is more than just intercourse, just as a relationship is based on things more than sex. As with all things, it’s not just a physical act…it’s an emotional and mental act. Yeah, I can see it being boring if there’s no meaning, no intimacy behind it. But it’s like how there’s no point in drinking simply to get drunk—there’s no need for it, but I appreciate drinking wine and I like sex.

Miki: Haha, no need to feel you have to conform mainstream, where’s the fun it that? Ah, freshman year. I only heard Vinh’s side of it all, lols, and he was really bad at trying to downplaying it! Some things other people can’t understand unless they’re one of the people actually experiencing it…um, take me and last year for example, ahah.

Delmer: I do think sex education is improving, especially in regards to drinking and sex. So many cases of rape go unreported because the victims feel like they “let” it happen. The idea that some guys think that in order to get some, all they need to do is to get the girl wasted…it’s so disrespectful! It’s not so much about the sex as it is about learning how to be responsible. Plus, the thing that guys REALLY need to watch out for is to make sure it’s consensual (every single step of the way!) and to be know that “no means no.” It’s not beneath some girls to accuse a guy of rape when he honestly thought she was willing…these types of situations can go badly both ways.

Terrence: Hahaha! Yeah, as important as sex is to the intimacy of a relationship, it’s just 1 thing of the many, MANY other things which make up a relationship. This reminds me of a quote I read somewhere saying how sex should also include kissing and sitting next to someone…isn’t that sweet??? Thanks for the stumble, yay! =)

Raqqash: Aww, haha! It’s just that my emotions cause me to think too much! ;)

Dailytri: Oooh, I see what you mean…it’s like creating a bridge, right? Hm, although the idea that I will love a man more than my family still scares me somewhat, hah.

The Chick said...

Jo, reading your wise words just makes me feel good about young smart women your age. I hope that doesn't sound condescending, it just seems so rare these days. You're a gem!

Nessa said...

My mom never mentioned anything associated with sex... too taboo for her. My youngest son has asked me about it (and he's only 8!), he's been watching far too many movies... and I told him it's something men & women do, you'll know when you grow up... not the world's best answer, hehe...

I remember back when I was 13 and I was in a science class, the teacher had warned everyone not to laugh/smile because she was going to teach 'reproduction' and sexual organs... the class was too quiet, you could hear a pin drop!

Katherine said...

Jo, you are truly amazing. I wish I'd had you as a big sister...I still feel poorly equipped to deal with the adult world of sex, love, and relationships. It's like nobody ever even tried to explain it all to me, so I'm walking blindly, stubbing my toe, accidentally stepping in poo...

me said...

s...e..x? No one in our family has ever even uttered the word! True story. If my mom ever has the talk with me I think I'd turn bright red and promptly die of embarrassment. Everything I needed to know about sex I got from Mr. Cable Box, Mr. Free Satellite, and friends who share way too much information.

Ahhh, it's such a shame we aren't sisters. Oh well, perhaps in the next life. Although if that were the case chances are our conversations would be much, much, much tamer. And that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?

Joanne said...

The Chick: Aw, thanks. You’d be surprised of all the silly and childish things I do (and like to do, hah)!

Nessa: Haha, well, education is also about right timing. I don’t think it’s a good idea give kids fear of sex, I mean…we all go through rebellion stages (sometimes even several times), and that could totally backfire. OMG, your story reminds me 7th grade biology! Oh, fun and infinitely funny times…

Kath: Hah, when are we ever not stubbing our toes? The hood of the jacket I carry on my arm often likes to get caught on door knobs, stairwell rails and such…but you know, I’ve become quite expert at making those nonchalant u-turns!!! ;) Well plus, even if something did explain it all to us…being the know-it-alls that we so often are, we’d just go ahead (while stepping in poo, lols!!) to try it figure it out on our own anyways. =)

Vy: And of course, we certainly do enjoy ourselves a good conversation, don’t we? =P

Stealth said...

You are a very wise chick and your sister is very fortunate to have you. My mom was quite the opposite and told me to wait until I was "in love" and to be sure to use a condom. What 14 year old doesn't think they're in love? It was a disaster!!

Anonymous said...

I never got a "sex talk." I was raised by my father, grandmother, and aunt...All of which avoided the subject of sex existing, so I was pretty much forced to figure it out myself. Which is why I also took it upon myself to educate my younger sister, who is 15, about sex, STDs, and took her for her first PAP! I think it's great that you also took it upon yourself to educate your sister. Girls need that refreshing voice, and to most of all, hear the truth. I wrote an article for AssociatedContent.com on abstinence-only. I have all of my writing, creative and technical taken off of my site for right now in order to categorize it all nicely into a freelance writer page and I won't link it here because I hate shameless self promotion...This qualifies as that, doesn't it? Never mind! :p Good on you, though! :)

Unknown said...

That's what I'm talking about. The feeling of love gives the physical act of sex an incredible boost. Without it, it can even become a destructive act or habit.

Then there's also things that give you more perspective. If you swallowed four times your therapeutical dose of a certain painkiller, I bet you'd find the physical feeling of sex very much overrated for the rest of your life.

It's interesting how extremely deep rooted the our instincts really are. Sex is perhaps the strongest instinct, or "need" we have an it can easily turn into a destructive habit if over-consumed.

I mean, even me, one of the really open-minded "fuck mainstream" and "fuck normal" guys of the world, still can't go for a very long time without having my sexual instincts infecting my mind and my thoughts.

A balanced sex-life is what keeps these instincts controlled and the feeling of love is what keeps sex from turning destructive.

And I'm talking from experience here, not out of the blue. My mind was in chaos a few years ago and the only thing that kept me in a balanced state was my bodybuilding lifestyle. Then, a little over two years ago, I met my girlfriend and I immediately was a changed man.

I mean, the people around me really noticed a very positive change in my attitude and mood. My love was somehow projected to those around me. Well, that was then and now love has fucked me up badly. Being humble is part of my foundation but I can no longer feel it. It's not real anymore.

But that's off topic and a whole different story which you'll read in my biography when both you and I are much older and wiser.

MouthGirl.com said...

I'm 28 as well, my mother didn't teach me anything about sex, and I mean nothing, I learned it all on my own...after a mistake or two.

However I do agree with your assessment of love and family and how your immediate family will change when you find the one...that one you'll change yourself for and bend with when you have to compromise and the one who will be your best friend and sometimes the one who has the ability to hurt you the worst.

I learned finally that the only way to true love and happiness is to BE the right person instead of endlessly searching for that person. Everyone has flaws, it's not finding the one you can live with, it's finding the one you can't live without that matters. Tolerance is only a small issue if it's real love.

Anonymous said...

you seem to have discovered a way to describe the perfect balance between healthy love and sex.

GREAT POST.

Your sister is lucky, hopefully she will walk away with the same lesson about love your mom taught you, with the added knowledge and information you are providing for her.

Sarcasm Abounds said...

After almost five years of marriage, 200 times a year is a looooong time ago...

SA

Anonymous said...

You had a mother who taught you the basics (all else comes through life). I had a mother who taught Sex Ed to my whole class when I was 13 . . . including how to put on a condom. I couldn't look at a banana for a year.

I'm as guilty as anyone of rushing into sex. I keep telling myself to wait to meet someone worth getting to know as a person BEFORE I learn where their erogenous zones are. Then, when a year of celibacy goes by, and I make the same mistakes. And I go through the whole loss of self-respect all over again.
But I'm trying to do better.

Em said...

Your mom was very smart. And it seems you learned your lessons well - from her and from your own life experiences. Your little sis is one lucky person to learn from you.

Relationships and sex are awesome. Fortunately, even at my age, I'm still learning how to embrace both at deeper levels than ever before.

conan_cat said...

hehe joanne seems that you've been busy... waiting for ur new post branded J-Amusement!

Anonymous said...

completely off-topic here..

Just wanted to let you know I didn't forget about responding to your meme. I had some stuff already scheduled when you hit me up with it.

It will either be on my site or Radioactiveliberty.com as a guest post this upcoming week. :)

And I actually am serious about it. I talk about getting your traffic up.

I'll let you know when it is published. :)

Chris C said...

serious as in not making fun of the subject :)

Chris C said...

'Your traffic' meaning people who read this. Anyone's traffic.

Anonymous said...

I don't agree, Chessnoid - it depends on the generation. :) I'm Asian too, and I talk freely about sex with friends and others. And not just the green jokes either. ;)

Unfortunately I don't blog freely about it!

The All Seeing Eye said...

Nicely put.

Sleeping Beauty said...

This is a very wonderful post! The only sex talk I got was, "Your not going to do it!" Which is probably why I rebelled so much. I plan to be more open with my children, hopefully, they can come and talk to me about anything.

Joanne said...

Stealth: Ohh, haha yeah…judgment takes time develop, and sometimes even experience can’t save a person from occasional bad judgment. That’s similar to one of my good friends (he’s Panamian and very comfortable with his sexuality), he said that his mom told him that as long as his first time was with someone he loved, at the least it’ll be a good first experience and memory.

Holly: Aw, you should link it in your about page or something, I’d definitely be interested in reading those articles!

Daniel: Balance is something we all strive for. Well, I’m glad you’ve continued with your work-out schedule because if you were happy/humble before you met her, you can be again.

Sabrina: Yeah, I think the best way to learn sometimes is only through experience. And, it’s hard to say, I generally give a lot of tolerance, but there are times for the people really close to me (like family), I need to remind myself not to forget about tolerance, hah. I don’t know about “can’t live without that matters”…because I mean if I was living before I met him, I’ll eventually be able to live without him again.

Meleah: Thank you! Haha, I still have a lot to figure out and experience…it’s exciting to know that, but scary nonetheless.

SA: LOLOLs!

Mike: Wow, hahaha…that is a priceless story to be able to share. Yeah, well maybe the best way is to try to get to know a person while learning their erogenous zones. It’s pretty easy for me to make the switch back to singlehood because I enjoy being single (sometimes). But if I fall for someone, it seems that anything goes!

Em: Awww, that’s very kind of you to say, thank you! Well, I’ve seen my mom go through a lot of tough experiences, wisdom never comes easy…and even then, it doesn’t necessarily ensure that you’ll know what’s exactly right the second time around. Aging is like fine wine: it should only get better as we grow older and know more, right?

Conan: Yeah, studies and doing work on moving to a self-hosted wordpress. =)

Chris: okay…I’ll be on the look-out for it in my feed reader! LOLs, thanks for defining Chris-jargon for me. ;)

YC: Generation and individual, I agree. Still, it is widely considered an Asian tradition to be less open about these subjects and seeing it more through black and white lenses. It’s an interesting dynamic because I think a person can be both traditional and open-minded about this subject…that’s the influence of new generations, but also because the older generations remained traditional in their ways yet encouraged an open-mindset.

All-seeing eye: Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed my thoughts on it.

Sleeping Beauty: Hahaha, well…everyone goes through a rebellion phase at some point in their life, if not their teens or twenties, then definitely in the thirties…otherwise, that person would surely flip out and decide it’s time to rebel in their forties!!!

Peter said...

Coming from a catholic household with both parents being low key on any advice such as sex education, we received that education at school. Anything else was found out by accident or from a glossy magazine.

Regards
Peter McCartney
Sydney Australia

Joanne said...

Peter: It's a pretty common experience for most people, actually. Then again, there's something really neat about discovering these things on your own...I wouldn't want to mar such an experience for my younger sister, but I do want her to be safe and responsible! =)

Raven said...

Everything my mother taught me about sex can be summed up in one sentance: Wait until you're married. Then she handed me a book on sexuality.

Joanne said...

Raven: Haha, same with my mom, and she continually erred on the side of caution by warning me that all guys had ulterior motives...LOLs. I'm curious, what book?

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