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Thursday, October 25

Nice Guys vs. Heartbreakers

There's something I don't wanna understand
the only way a woman is gonna want a man
the only way you'll ever keep her in you hands
is breaking apart her heart
Can't you see the way she's crying
Well, that's what keeps her trying,
she knew that she could have you,
And he don't give her what she wants...”


I had added the new Good Charlotte album to my punk/rock/alternative playlist to see if any songs other than Dance Floor Anthem would grow on me. And so the other day late night in the wee hours of morning while I was cranking out a paper, these lyrics pierced through my working-mode.

Causing me to wonder, if it was possibly true for myself…

Intuitively, I immediately fired back with an empathetic hell no, who do you take me for crazy?!

(uhh, no need to actually answer that ;)

Having my heart so casually used. Feeling a fireball of pain hurled around only to be trapped in the back of my throat. When hurt takes a trigger-shot straight to the tips of my fingers, making them curl in cruel, anguished tingling...

What kind of person seeks such agony?

Oh, right. The Bleeding-Heart Masochist in me last year.

But it’s comforting to know that I can pick myself up. A relief to be able to say that I won’t settle for less than I deserve, knowing it’ll still hold true even in moments of utter hormonal irrationality.

Plus, the idea of long-term pining after a heartbreaker is not very appealing or desirable. In fact, it sounds downright tiring. The Unattainable Crush is one thing, but playing games with my honest emotions is quite the other. Disappointment wears a gal down and crying does horribly puffy things to my eyes for the next day.

And so, they like to say how nice guys always finish last.

Well, I agree they do if "nice" means boring pushovers. I like it when a guy can not only hold his own, but challenge me.

For instance, one of the HUGE soft spots (among other weaknesses) I have is for nerdy guys.

Er, perhaps not this kind of nerdy that Dan once wrote of per se.

But I find it charmingly alluring when a person is really passionate about something (obscure or not), knows what he’s talking about, and isn’t afraid to show it. I like it when he can make me laugh, encourage me to try something new, or persuade me to a new line of thinking.

Call me crazy, but I like it when he’s NOT (insert gasp) tearing my heart to pieces.

So you see, this sort of guy could be a “nice guy,” and he could break my heart.


32 Musing(s):

Anonymous said...

Hey, you were that kind of nerdy! ;-)

Bobby Revell said...

My philosophy is that people seeking the chase really want to stay alone and be heartbroken. They instead will often marry a cheater who keeps the chase going...even in marriage! LOL!!!

Bobby Revell said...

I voted for you!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, there's more to life than pining for a guy who will just make your life miserable.But in meeting one or two frog princes, it will make you appreciate the right man more when he comes:)

Anonymous said...

Eh well the same if often true for guys: they tend to die after the heartbreaking woman. She makes them suffer, hope, feel painfully alive, and they can't let got.
I've been sort of like that at least once, but well, it is a tiring game and at last I seem to have learnt better. Hopefully ;)
Challenge and mutual attraction sound good to me.
Greetings and salutations :-)

Anonymous said...

I voted for you too =). You must had a really hard time back then =(.

Anonymous said...

"The Unattainable Crush is one thing, but playing games with my honest emotions is quite the other."

Oh how true is THAT.

I have a CRUSH on someone, but I know its not gunna happen. And thats FINE.

He knows I have a CRUSH on him, but he DOES NOT use that or take advantage of it at all.

I will never understand WHY people play with other peoples feelings.

Anonymous said...

Give me nerdy guy anyday.

The Lover said...

joanne, i think that is quite subjective lols..Hmmm sometime love is like gambling...the winner takes it all and the loser standing strong.

But often i heard about people talking about, which guy do you go to, he handsome one or the ugly one? Hmmmmmmm what's your pick joanne?

Anonymous said...

As a man I guess I should be careful commenting, but I do understand your point - and remember; a man can have a vulnerable heart too :-)

mcgee said...

that would seriously be a deadly combination.

Rolando said...

Plus all the nerdy guys I knew growing up are rich now, lol.

Anonymous said...

I might be a nice guy, but if you try to push me over I'll have to give you a wedgie.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Joanne. I want to see you with a nice guy. I want you to be with a man that doesn't take pleasure in your tears. A man that holds your hand and takes yoga only because you gave him sad, puppy-dog-eyes.

With that said, nerds are an excellent choice. I went through various sorts of bad boys before I finally found my nerd. Now, I'd never go back. Rob is able to challenge me--and--he tells me I'm beautiful. More importantly, he means what he says and doesn't toy with my emotions.

I want you to have someone like that.

(Sorry to sound like a far too protective mother. I just want my friend to be happy.)

Lisa said...

I love me some hot witty geeks with a little bad boy on the side. Well, the kind of bad that doesn't hurt me. It's a pretty tall order. Hehe.

Anonymous said...

By the way, I just took Dan's quiz and came out with a 78. Someone needs to take my lunch money and shove me into a locker. I'm over half a loser. No wonder I love my nerd.

jon said...

Intelligence is a huge factor of attraction for me. I was very interested in this girl until she asked me where I was from, I said Maryland, and then she asked me, "Oh, really!? What state is that in!"


Anonymous said...

You can get your heart broken by the nerdy guy too - but much less often. You go girl! I voted for you BTW...

Hungry Mother said...

Sincerity was always a turn-on for me, especially when accompanied by a good rack. (Not my fault, it's in the hardware.)

BillyWarhol said...

I feel I can be a good Napoleon Dynamite to yer Gorgeous Betty* At least for Halloween*

Acually I wanna see that Blades of Glory + Balls of Fury flix*


I don't have as many Tattoos tho as Joel or Chubby Madden*

conan_cat said...

humm, i had a friend who has a thing with nerdy girls too, especially the ones wearing glasses a bit plump wearing a secretary uniform with long skirts.

uh i think i'm getting out of topic here.

and well, i guess everyone can break anyone's heart. all you need is just to get close enough, and all they need is to trigger a button that they know will send you up or down.

it hurts, really. people who are closest knows exactly how to hurt you. instead people who you don't know won't have such big impact.


you will find another nice guy real soon, i'm sure. and everyone here will help you judge if the nice guy is really that nice.

Kimchihead said...

People always want what they can't have. Plus, most people (although they don't admit it) love the drama. It keeps the relationship interesting, I suppose.

Susie said...

I've fallen for the heartbreaker more than once and I've come to realize it is because I don't really want a commitment. It puts me in a better light if I'm the one feeling heartbroken than if I'm the one breaking other's hearts.

Joanne said...

Dan: Shhhhhhhhhhh!

Bobby: Yeah, that is one way to look at it. My reasoning is that sometimes people are really insecure and are seeking continual re-confirmation of their own desirability. Then again, I blame human insecurity on a lot of things, lols, like another example would be people who chain-date (in other words, jump from one bf/gf to another and never really took the time to be single, be themselves and happy). Thanks for the vote!!!

Thira: Aww, I think you’ve hit it right on! Love such optimistic thinking. =) I think it has helped me garner a better understanding of what makes ME happy, too.

Raqqash: “Challenge and mutal attraction,” I didn’t even realize that was precisely what I had implied in my post, thank you! Hah, I don’t think we can ever fully learn…that we’re probably meant to learn better…otherwise, how else do we appreciate lessons without first having the opportunity to improve? =)

David: Thank you for voting, yay! Yeah, sometimes when I look back I think it was really hard, but more often than not, I think it’s probably not going to be as hard as what I’m likely to face in the future. Then again, I’m a firm believer that life doesn’t throw at me what I can’t handle, er hopefully! ;)

Meleah: Hahaha, that’s EXACTLY why I sometimes call myself the queen of one-sided crushes. I get ‘em all the time! ;) My good friend Tony had warned me about telling a guy you like him, because sometimes they may see that as a green light to do something. But I figure, if the guy ends up doing something jerk-ish like that…my crush will end up dying pretty quickly. Only I wasn’t prepared for when it’s half-and-half, push-pull limbo (which was what I got sucked into last year). Ah well, lesson learned for the better!!

Debo: Heh, my sentiment exactly. ;)

Paullove: Love (or anything that claims an emotional part of onself) is a risk. Which is why I don’t understand the advantage of when people claim they have to 100% sure before going ahead with something (or somebody). I mean, when are we EVER completely sure? That’s why I feel love is a renewal…it’s effort to continuously re-affirm that your choice and feelings are, in a sense, justified. Based on purely looks, it only manages to catch my attention for the first 10 seconds. Based on first impression (which is part looks, but mainly the feeling I get from him, be it an air of calm confidence, smiling friendliness, etc), my attention may be held for the first 10 minutes. The deciding factor is after getting to somewhat know the guy after the first 10 minutes of speaking, and that has nothing to do with looks but the guy’s personality (and yes, relative IQ, EQ, common sense, and humor) plays a huge factor in determining his attractiveness and appeal. Most times I don’t find myself physically attracted to a guy until after I get to know him, I guess I need that added intellectual stimulation.

Rennyba: Haha, yeah I know. And I know that guys have an easier time separating sex from love than our female brains, but I’ve heard that guys also have a more ideal notion of relationships compared to girls (because we have more a support system with our girlfriends and it’s more socially acceptable for us to speak about it and our emotions).

Mcgee: HAHA, and so I guess, recognizing and acknowledging that is a good first step, huh?

Rolando: Hahaha, but with money comes its own set of problems. I’d much rather have a nerdy guy with a good heart and who realizes that his number one passion ought to be ME! ;)

Mike: LOLS!!!!! I always had a soft spot for tough men…

Erina: Awww, Rob sounds wonderful! =) Hahaha, mm I could definitely go for a guy who would hold my hand as I led him to yoga mats! *grins* Yeah, I figured that the whole “it takes one to know one” applies to this soft spot for nerds as well, haha!

Lisa: Oooh, now THAT is definitely a dangerous combo for me. It’s akin to how I like it when my guy friends drive their cars fast, but can handle the road well enough so that I feel exhilarated yet safe.

Jon: You’re from Maryland!!!! That’s really close to where my family lives! Er, depending on where in MD you’re situated, lols. Yeah, intelligence is probably the determining staying factor for me. I don’t hold it against the person (I may even be amused for the first 5 seconds!), but it can def. be a turn-off and for sure, I’m not likely to pursue anything if I’m always bored or annoyed.

Beth: Yay, thank you for the vote…appreciate it MUCH! Yeah, I learned that I probably shouldn’t assume these things. If I can be friends with so many different people, there’s equal opportunity for any guy whom I happen to fall for will break my heart as well. So, I figured I ought to go for it anyhow and that’s why when I know I’ve started to seriously like a guy, I tend to let him know…eventually, haha.

Hungry Mother: Hahaha! Sincerity is what makes the lasting impression for me. =)

Billy: Haha, nahh Napoleon Dynamite may be too nerdy for me…as I have yet to mention I also have a soft spot for guys who like to play sports (since I do as well, haha). I don’t think I’ll ever get a tattoo myself, though that could change because I never thought I’d get my ears pierced either (but worked up the gumption to do so last year).

Conan: LOLs! Yup, it can go either way and it’s rather uplifting to know that most people can relate to it as well. Hahaha, ALL my friends, both guys and girls (haha, except for 1 because she is the type of romantic person who sees no ill in anyone, bless her heart) last year did not like the last guy my heart chose. It didn’t change my final actions (it seems that my actions always follow my emotions first) towards him, but I definitely appreciated and valued their opinions, it helped in giving the situation more perspective…and gave me much-needed support.

Kimichihead: Yeah, it’s always looking for something else and all too often overlooking what we have, taking it for granted until it’s lost. Drama, to be called exciting…would only be in the initial stages or only occasionally. I don’t put up with unnecessary drama in my friendships (in fact, I’ve cut off friendships before because it happened one too many times for me), so there’s no way I’d tolerate in someone who’s in a relationship with me.

Susie: Hm, that’s definitely one way to put it…how directly honest! After one harrowing experience back in the 6th grade, I’ve made damn sure that I don’t lead a guy on accidentally. Thank goodness for some of my guy friendships where it’s okay to flirt-tease and joke around with each other and it’s okay! It could be a commitment issue for me as to why I’ve never had a boyfriend (and had a lover first) or it may be because I’ve yet to found someone who’s come that close before (or whom I wanted to come that close to me), hm...

Anonymous said...

Anytime anyone tells you he's a nice guy, run very fast. It's really a funny mix of human that makes up a real 'nice guy.'

He is usually a beta male. Now that's not necessarily a bad thing. Women, as a natural phenomenon, tend to seek alpha males for security, protection, etc. Once you have that wild income generating guy in a relationship you get married. After thousands of fights over how he should be more caring and loving with the kids he turns into a beta male.

That's when girls get turned off and want the alpha male again. Which is why an alarming 10% of 2nd or 3rd children are fathered by infidelity. Crazy times.

In the beginning women want heartbreakers, until they slowly are molded into nice guys, whereby they are released again into the general population and the viscous cycle starts all over again.

An interesting read on this subject was a book I picked up back in the day called "Sperm Are from Men, Eggs Are from Women: The Real Reason Men And Women Are Different" - highly recommend it.

Joanne said...

Jerad: Hahaha, probably. I’ve heard of those statistics before, too…it is indeed pretty alarming. Which is why words are one thing and are nothing when not supported by actions. Heh, I think it’s difficult to pin a person down to alpha or beta, exactly. I’d much rather have him to be “alpha” or “beta” when the situation calls for it…plus, predictability breeds stagnation. As long as we’re changing together, I don’t see an insurmountable obstacle. I personally know I have a soft spot for “bad” boys, but then I have an equally (if not bigger) soft spot for really sweet, kind-hearted guys who do those little things that make my heart melt into heaps, lols.

jon said...

Hey! Now that you mention it! Speaking of heart breakers, I'm sure one or two guys have stories of their own! :P

Princess Pointful said...

I think the problem is that people often become a little dichotomized- e.g., bad guy or pushover. The problem is finding that person with the right in between for you.

Joanne said...

Jon: Yeah, I'm sure they do...not gonna lie, my sex can be manipulative and vicious. The root of most of it is low self-esteem and insecurity...males or females can have it since we're all human! Don't often hear about my guy friends' heartbreak story, though... Perhaps it's just easier for girls to share it?

Princess Pointful: Yup, that is def. the way to go! =)

jon said...

Guys typically shroud their heartbreak in machismo.

Joanne said...

Jon: Haha, and I've also noticed that guys don't really let themselves feel the full effect until later. Whereas girls will let all hell break loose when it happens and actually end up feeling better more quickly.

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