ETW is so the new ew.

Emotional Train Wreck, that's me.

Has caused dreaded puffy eyes and random burst of red splotches on face (or was that because an oily, itchy scalp?) It's b/c unfortunately, the health club (Regency one) didn't have hot water today, so yours truly spent ages in the steam room getting as warm as possible. Eh, should've just taken the sauna, but didn't want to get all stinked up when I'm going to take the quickest cold shower (even writing about it still gives me the shivers).

Yeah, yeah. I know cold showers are good for you, but I only take them when there's the option of turning it STEAMIN' HOT w/in the next second.

So shut it, inner health freak. I don't care if it'll dry out my skin and give wrinkles or what have you. I like it hot and strong, the steamier the better... Shit, am I still talking about showers here?

Ha! Talk about latent desires.

Anyhow. Got back and procrastinated yet another several hours by reading Fish's blog. Started from the beginning, July 2002, continued straight through to somewhere between March 2003 and April 2003, then jumped around selective months until August 2006.

Certain posts and some comments got me all teary-eyed up and more than once, I got that achy feeling in my chest. The type I try to avoid. The kind only one person has caused me so far. This one feeling cruelly squeezes all the nerves to my heart center. Brings a ball of sourness to my throat. Cuts off air. Out of denial, I am more than lovesick. I fear I am heartbroken, irreversibly and completely.

Thank you procrastinating blog-reading for making that crystal clear!

Interestingly though, I feel hopeful, too. I came away dazed but stronger in spirit somehow. Not sure yet what to make of that mix. Though, am damn sure that I do NOT like being ETW.

Reading Fish was therapeutic. It was…just what I needed, somehow. Spunk. That's what it is. Yup! I aspire to write as tartly as her, or at least as fluidly. I edit things too much. Or, I write too much. Then go for long periods of not posting. Obviously, the latest resurgence of ETW (and the current peak of raw nerves) is main cause for the spew of posts.

But ETW'ing sucks. I'd rather be MIA.


No, not really....



I just want to be healed.