Because I Can Write On Other Topics, REALLY!!!
"Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable." -Voltaire
Then such sweet, sweet madness I am.
Because reinforcing the knowledge that I am not helpless--knowing I can actively tackle WHAT's been causing me misery--gives me joy and a peace of mind. To be more accurate, I ought to say WHO's been...since I'm pointing this finger at a mirror. While finding it easy to cut everyone else slack, I too often give the person who needs it the most (me), the very least. It means that I'm perpetually competing with myself to be not only BETTER, but the BEST I can be this very moment for the very next. A daunting (and as you can imagine, at times annoying and tiresome) task inherent quirk tendency, but in the end--worth every shred of self-satisfaction.
To me, I've found restricting potential leads to a treacherous breeding ground for the wrong sort of regrets. As if there's such a thing as having the right sort of regrets? Or at least, better regrets? Ha, what an amusing paradox.
So anyhow, here's today's much-needed, long overdue (really wish I knew a catalyst to speed up these things up) epiphany for self:
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN--WHEN YOU LET IT HAPPEN, THAT IS.
By refusing to dwell any longer on how my sentimental heart can’t seem to move on fast enough for the likes of my impatient mind, I am that less miserable. Instead, I am focusing on the fact that I can and have been moving on, albeit with MUCH frustration at the seemingly snail's pace. Whoops, there I go again! Basically, the fact remains: I am moving.
Where will all moving this lead me, I've no idea (hopefully less posts on the same old story of not moving on vs. maybe moving on vs. moving on, definitely been a topic overexhausted). Although, I do garner confidence in knowing that at least I'm traveling to a place better than before. Yippee for optimism! See how this feeds me hope? It pretty much fuels it. By remembering it's all behind me…well then, fear simply becomes this weak reason for my holding back (or, holding on). To remember to keep allowing myself breathing room (memo to self: remember to cut yourself some damn slack now and then!), there's growth...that means change is happening, and that’s...making progress!
Aww, now ain't THAT something? Seems like the Optimistic Diehard in me has resurfaced to light my life again.
Gotta admit it, though. I sure have missed her.
4 Musing(s):
Joanne, your sharing of feelings are very organized and obviously thought out. I couldn't help but notice, your messages appear to be more to him (mystery man) than about him.
What does he say regarding these posts? Has he not tried to contact you?
If this is the case he does not deserve someone like you. I am now very curious to hear what this friend has to say (I'm guilty, this blog has replaced my afternoon soaps)
What does he say?
--Curious in Calabasas
are you for real Curious? Have you read her blogs?
Ahh progress is a wonderful thing. Hlad you have found the Optimistic Diehard in you again!
To Curious, haha yeah I would be curious as well.
See, when I'm hurting the most, I've found that I tend to write posts as if, like you noticed, to him. But while I was suffering emotionally, my pratical side (aka my mind and common sense) knew that to say certain things to him not only wouldn't change anything, but also make him feel bad again and me? Probably worse off than before. So, I let it all out here...to move on, and in a sense, mark my progress, you know?
We have discussed it once this summer, and that's been enough. To satisfy some curiousity, his rxn to that was mentioned briefly at the end of "Months x 3" under July 1st. And, since he hasn't brought up forgetting my brithday...well, no point in me doing so either. It'd put me in an unflatteringly resentful light, and I try to drop resentment when I feel it. =)
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