Live to the Point of Tears (Camus)

Okay. Okay!

I know relationships aren’t easy. I can handle some bumps in the road—in fact I’ll always expect some. A bond easily formed can be easily broken, I got it.

But, it ought not to be this complicated either, right?

I mean, it always seems to be a lose-lose situation with him: I can continue being hurt by the bittersweet moments, being driven crazy by simply waiting, being unable to expect or demand anything. OR, forget the whole torturous ordeal, regret something and then, definitely end up feeling hypocritical.

Obviously, I think I’d always choose the first option… I can’t respect hypocrites.

When I lose my heart, it’s completely—

Idealists don’t give up (unless it’s hoping for the better).
Romantics don’t let go (unless the dream is completely broken).
Sentimentalists don’t stop thinking about it (unless time removes it from the forefront).

And, well? Whaddya know, yours truly is sincerely and unfortunately ALL of the above.

Until now, I don’t think I completely understood why the people who knew me best thought he was not good for me. I was always quick to take offense—I trust myself, and shouldn’t I know? True, I’ve been given a good share of sweetness and joy from him. And despite all the complication and heartache, I’ve discovered more about myself and relationships. Surely, that counts for something.

A lesson learned the hard way is a lesson hard-earned.

But, you know…

I’m starting to realize that it’s NOT that the people I’m closest to know me BETTER than I know myself. On the contrary, it only seems as such because they come to similar, if not exact same, conclusions faster and surer than me.

While I’ll always make my own choices--my friends, well... it's nice to know my over-analyzed thoughts have got company and I'm not completely crazy. Yet.

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Misono: “He kissed you!! Wow, your first kiss. Does that mean you guys are dating now? (Me: HAHA…um, no.) Oh. Then why did he kiss you?!”

Peter: “Dang, sounds like you two are off to a rough start. Let me know how things go with your jujitsu guy.”

Phil: “He doesn’t know? Haha, sounds like he’s the girl, and you’re the guy in the relationship. Hey, by the way, can he play basketball…?”

Tony: “I don’t think it is good idea when a girl tells a guy she likes him. For the guy, that’s like a green-light because he knows he can probably do what he wants with her. Honestly, he probably doesn’t care that you worry so much. So don’t, worry. If you want to have fun, then go and be make-out buddies—but yeah, yeah, I know… For you it’s serious. I don’t think you should lose your virginity to him, though. He’s one confused motherf*cker.” (Oh, Tony…how I miss you! Come back safe from overseas. I won't forgive you if you don't.)

Holly: “I think he’s a great guy, but he’s not good enough for you. I’m saying this not because you’re my friend or because I think very highly of you, but because I think you deserve better.”

Kath: “So, you’d rather have what you can now, and have it end, than have nothing at all? Well, if you’re happy, I’m happy. I’m still annoyed with him…”

Megan: “I do like him. I just don’t like him with you. I’m referring to him as ‘daggers’ from now on (alternatively jabs both index fingers downwards). You know, Jim doesn’t like him for you either and thinks [A] is not ready at this point in his life…like, maybe later on. (sly look from the side) How is Garrett?”

Vy: “Indecisiveness is really unattractive in a guy, particularly in relationships. Why can’t you cut him off? He takes advantage of you. He’s self-absorbed and selfish. And, you’re too giving! He’s not good for you. I’m telling you this because I’m not going to stand by and see you be drawn back in again.”

Stephen: “I don’t really know him, so I don’t not like him. Friends may say things because they get jealous that you’ll spend more time with him. Or maybe, they’re right and he really is a douchebag. If things don’t change even after you’ve told him everything… Well, you’ve got more important things to worry about, like SCHOOL. Go study, young lady!!!”

Cat: “What do you mean? Girl, you’re still not over him? I thought that was what break was supposed to be for. You can decide what you want, but at the end of the day, it’s not worth all the pain he’s causing you, MOVE ON ALREADY.”

Mickey: “He’s my friend and I think he’s a good guy, but he’s the kind of guy I wouldn’t let my own sister hang out with. So, I think you should stop hanging out with him. I think he’d ruin a good girl, like you… I mean, whenever we talk, he’s always talking about a bunch of girls.”

(EDIT: added 6/7) Mom: “He looks...too rough for you. He seems complicated, and I know you, you’re too simple. It would be difficult to be his girlfriend or wife. And, growing up in DC and going to an international school, surely he must’ve played a lot of girls. Why are you laughing?? No, I’m not going to continue until you stop laughing…is what I said, wrong? Listen to me, it doesn’t matter what other people said. But that [Vy] said he’s no good for you, and she’s right because she’s lived with you for two years. She knows who you are.”

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But ma, I know how I am, too...

Nothing could've stopped me from losing my heart to him. Even looking back, I know. Absolutely nothing.

I live to the point of tears even if it breaks my heart.