(K)not to Be Anymore

“There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream—whatever that dream might be” Pearl S. Buck

I probably have many more knots than this to untangle...

...but this should be a good start.

The Very First Knot:

The other day, feelings of helplessness persuaded me that I couldn’t let go of him unless he let me go first.

Being of bit saner mind now, I’ve realized that such thinking would be a grave injustice to me. I’d harm myself more if I were to simply wait for someone (who can’t return my heart, and yet also seems to be unwilling to relinquish his hold) to let go first. Well, given my disposition (and his too, I s’pose), I could very easily remain attached to him, letting things stay where they fall…but honestly, at what cost?

This past year has had enough of that push-pull bull. Whether or not this is indeed the case, it seems to me like I’ll always be at his mercy, whim, and convenience—the result of my giving with no constraints and with no expectations. I had one of those D’oh! moments where I realized that I needed to ground myself first. Otherwise he can very easily draw me back in a year from now when he comes back to walk at graduation. While I’m sure he would be just fine, at least more so than me, if a year from now if we were strictly and straightforwardly (is it really possible, I wonder?) friends…I would not be, unless I stop foolishly hoping for something that’s an illusion. I do mind being at the mercy of someone who keeps bringing me more distress, more confusion and more complications—all of which seems to be compounded with time!

It’s a sad but true prediction that I could very well fall head over heels for him again if I’m not careful and honest with myself in truly getting over him.

Second Knot?

He is my first, in a lot of things.

I wonder if that’s why I’ve such a hard time—WAIT! He may be my first for many things, but he’s not my last. Well, that knot was a lot easier than I thought. Then again, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

That seems to happen often.

Third Knot to Untangle

He held my hand.

That's right, he held my hand knowing exactly how much such a gesture means to me…because sometime in the last week of school, I had said that as much I wanted him to hold my hand I knew he’d never do such a (his words) confirmation of a relationship type thing and that as much as it hurt, I understood and have come to accept it.

However, I think honest communication with him puts me at the disadvantage—at least, it always feels that way! I feel so vulnerable when my feelings are laid open like that, even more so because while I may be more invested emotionally…he sets the pace.

And, the worst thing is I can’t even bring myself to be completely mad at him for doing (yet again!) something that basically guarantees melting my heart once more. I can only be frustrated because…the way he held my hand—god, it was really sweet.

I wish I could blame him (“You know I can’t resist you, especially since I’ve said I rather not ruin what little time I have left with you…and you know damn well how much I like you!”), but I can’t.

Try as I might (and, boy have I tried!), I really, really…can’t. I hold myself too accountable, and futilely wonder why I don’t hold him accountable for his actions as well. But see, I do know why. The memory created is so heartbreakingly sweet, so unexpected and so…very tender. He has this way of initiating and then patiently waiting for me to accept (which of course I do) before continuing. When he kept our hands interlaced to shift gears and I finally turned to look at his side profile…let me tell you, my breath caught. And at that moment, I knew just how perilously close to the point of no return I had come. I’ll admit, it seems rather dramatic of a description for such a simple action, but it explains why he appeals so much to my romantic, idealistic, and sentimental side…

The extent to which I am such an idealistic and sentimental romantic is, at length, being realized.

Oh, no.