To Be Honest

I will drive you crazy, with all my stubbornness. Don’t think you can easily change my mind. Trust me, there will be times you won’t be able to understand me because there are days when I don’t even understand myself, too.

I will utterly confuse you, all the while understanding you more completely than before. If you look closely, you’ll see how I will overwhelm you…patiently. With unconditional support.

I will surprise you, tease you, and some days just be in plain awe of you. You are my friend and family, my equal and hero.

I will become more introverted the closer, the more...you mean to me. Be bold and refuse to let me pull away. Know I’ll do the same for you.

I will accept you for who you are. Flaws, quirks and all. Tolerance and loyalty, JK Rowling said of friendship.

I will spoil you with my attention because I want to show you how much you mean to me. Share my food, share laughter so generous heads turn…share myself.

I will love without asking for anything in return. Because that’s the only way I know how. I won't love you because I need you.

I will love you because I believe in you. I will believe in you because I know you. And, I'll know you because I will understand to appreciate you, and all you give.

I will frustrate you. Actually, you’ll frustrate me, too. We’ll frustrate each other to the point where some days I’ll be hard-pressed to even like you.

I will walk my own path, alongside yours. If you would hold my hand. It’s going to take time and effort, for me.

To be honest...it’s not going to be easy. I can’t promise you the world, but I can make your wildest dream come true.

Because I’m worth it. So are you.

Two Brick Walls Nodding

This is the problem with being both the emotional feeler and the analytical thinker. On one hand, I feel too much and too deeply. On the other, I think too hard and too long... It pretty much sets the perfect stage for a never-ending battle between the two selves.

So then, when I somehow hit upon an epiphany worth mentioning in eloquent This-Fish style, the Nerd Egotist in me simply can't wait to share...er, boast.

I think you’re torturing yourself.
I think you’re right.
The whole point of playing devil’s advocate here is to have a DEBATE. So you can figure things out.
Well, I got tired of it.
You knew this would eventually happen…
Yeah, I knew.
Will you stop agreeing! What happened to the girl who won’t go down without a fight?
I told you, she got tired.
Then pick yourself up, you hear?
And, is it so easy…to just cut it like that?
It’s not only easier to, but better for you. The cleaner the cut, the less of a scar.
Whoa. Wait, please say that again.
I said. The cleaner the cut, the less of a scar.
Hot damn, you're absolutely brilliant!
Of course. Now put some gutsy spirit back into yourself. It’s boring to talk to someone who has lost her wits.
I haven’t lost my wits, mind you. I just…lost my heart.
You mean a broken, useless heart?
It can be fixed...I think.
You're better off building a new one.
No...not a new one.
Oh, now this is interesting. Dare I believe we're back to debating?
Only because you're wrong. I can't erase the scars, it'd negate the whole point of going through all that pain.
Point being?
That I'm better off using the experience to build a better, stronger heart.
Atta girl.

I struggled because I know that when I finally do say good-bye, it’s for good. And, on some level, I didn't want to...though it was obvious (even to myself) that I needed to.

So I s'pose this turned out to be a good epiphany after all.

Left Unsaid

Why didn’t you say anything?

I didn’t feel the need to. I mean, these things happen. And, there’s no point in going out of my way to remind every person who forgot that they forgot. If they care that they forgot, they probably already feel bad enough as it is. For me to then say something is rude and…honestly, kinda OCD-like, you know?

Don’t worry, I’m really bad at remembering, too, except for my VIPs and family members. Even then, I was a week late for Stephen’s (which he kindly rubbed in my face when he wished me happy bday, on time, haha the punk). B/c my friends cut me slack, I know to be tolerant of forgetfulness here and there.

Although, gotta say…you’ve set quite the record for belatedness...

I wonder. Now that I know what I’ll say if really asked....if I’ll ever get the chance to even say it, you know?

Debatable Debacles

Yes. I am a nerd. This has already been established.

So really, it shouldn't come as a surprise that sometimes I like to play a little devil’s advocate with myself. This format of expressing thoughts is taken from This Fish, whose writing I adore. It helps me shift through the emotions a little more smoothly. Just a little, mind you.

And sometimes, if I’m lucky…I’ll hit upon an epiphany.


So, are you secretly wanting more?
Well, I've sent him the email where I admitted some things, guaranteeing we'll both step back.
This is a yes or no question.
Um…
Well?
Yes, damn it. Of course, I want more. But silliest thing is that I don’t even know what I want more of anymore.
Then why keep torturing yourself w/ such close communication?
It’s just called keeping in touch.
Okay, then. Who else do you ‘just keep in touch’ with daily and with over page-long emails?
Um. No one else. Ever.
Then why are you doing it, you idiot!?
Fine! I’m a masochist.
That’s an excuse. Old and lame.
Maybe so, but it’s forcing me to get used to thinking of him as just a good friend and not my lover anymore.
Or potential significant other?
Or potential significant other.
So, you mean if he found a hot Swedish girl, you’d be alright?
NO!
You’re pathetic.
Shutup. I’m honest.

Okay, so not quite the epiphany I had hoped for.