Unfurl

If you're feeling happy, don't read this. Do yourself a favor and wait for tomorrow's.

I try not to post when I'm feeling emotionally hyper-sensitive (which happens roughly once a month...um, yeah). However then I realized that was defeating the whole purpose of having a personal blog.

So, I figured that if you're gonna read about all the absurdities in my life...well, be warned, you'll read about my inner demons as well!

Thanks to Jon's recent post for reminding me of all the courage and trust in honesty.

Photography: Kyoto Bamboo by Steven Miller

Can’t get you out of my head, I can’t.

It drives me nuts sometimes.

You know. I’m trying, really trying hard here. But when I suddenly realize I’ve been successful, much more successful than thought possible… I’m seized with these moments of wholly irrational fear.

I don’t want you gone.

What I wanted was something that was never really there at all.

It’s always a secret. I always felt like a goddamn secret, like hush-hush this is dangerous ground to be treading on. Let’s pretend we’re not seeing what we see.

Oh, let’s.

Let’s safely act generic because that feels so special, right.

Right, it takes some kind of special to read through these mixed signs. Just smoke signals for the sentimental sweetheart, I guess. I’m alone in this, as I’ve always been. While my heart is an open book for you to read whenever you pleased. You wrote once, the day you surprised me with flowers, that I seem to easily step over whatever barriers you’ve put up. I didn’t even know there were barriers to overcome then. Now though, I can clearly see the new ones placed between us…

I see them. It frustrates me to see those words of yours, but I’m letting it go. Letting them stand there. And not feel disappointed yet again, not realizing that I had again involuntarily expected more. I’m not pushing forward for you anymore.

I end my seduction in this.

So, stop haunting me in my dreams...

Sometimes, the darkness of night still reminds me of you, but believe me, I’m working on changing that. It takes some getting used to. Time to shake off that feeling, a shadow of your warmth.

I got new sunglasses yesterday. So I can throw my favorite old ones, the ones you picked out…away.

They finally broke.

And I was set free to choose new ones.

On Regretting Not

Photography: Broken by FluidG4

In less than a week, my blog will have reached 7 months.

That’s 7 months since I finally realized, to the FULL extent, just how bad my heart was going to ache starting in May.

Even then, suffering that broken heart was worse than I imagined.

Crushes come and go like summer rain. But when I recognize that I’ve started to really like someone, it comes to the point where either I tell the guy...or I’ll burst. It’s hellishly nerve-racking and I’ve only done it twice, once in high school and once last year. Both led to experiences I don’t regret and memories I cherish.

Last Fall, when I realized that I had unexpectedly fallen for a boy, I knew (1) nothing could’ve stopped me from liking him the more I got to know him and (2) we were going to end…even before we began, even while I was falling in over my head.

You see, it’s always easier for me to confess or admit to my feelings than to try to hold back otherwise I’m left feeling awkwardly uncomfortable. Apparently that’s what happens when you wear your heart on your sleeve.

And I don’t know of any other heart.

All too often “what if’s” lead to regret...it means I saw and knew yet didn’t act.

Regret is for when you don’t learn your lesson properly the first time around. It’s for repeating mistakes. See, if you make a mistake and gain something from that experience…then, well, there is nothing for you to regret, is there?

And I refuse to regret the choices I make.

Knowing that I wouldn’t have it any other way gives me confidence to make mistakes, to hit or miss on my own terms.

That’s why taking time to really think before taking any action (be it minor or major) is so valuable to me. It’s why I make sure I’ve more or less formed my own opinion before asking for advice. This does not, by any means at all, make me intolerant of new change or unable consider other possibilities. It simply means that I’ll be able to better differentiate between my Intuition and my Rationale.

So this marks my 118th post, and I don’t regret a single word I’ve published here.

My archives are witness to many lessons learned the hard way.

3 Brief Confessions (for once!)

Photography: The Dock & Parker's Pier by Derek Prospero

Courtesy of a meme from Dan.

He titled his 3 Things You Haven't Let Go.

Although, for me? It's more like 3 Things I Won't Let Go...

1. DYEING MY HAIR

Simply put, I can't stop. I refuse to.

The first time I dyed my hair it was this dark reddish-brown the year before I entered college. Looking back, it benchmarked another new coming-of-age.

Which now gets translated into the "new quarter-life crises."

Either way, ever since then I’ve been dyeing my hair in varying degrees of reddish-brown roughly 2-3 times a year. I try not to dye it too too often so it's ironically fortunate that my hair absolutely RELISHES in growing extremely slow. I also tend to stick to the reds, but for awhile I was really diggin' the slight dark purplish hue called Iridescent Chestnut (though it totally freaked me out the very first time I applied it).

And once on a whim my sophomore year of college, I dyed it blue-black.

Most of the time I used Naturtint (with 3 exceptions where I went mainstream with Revlon or Herbal Essence). However, recently my mom and I switched over to using henna because even though Narturtint doesn’t have ammonia or any of the harsher chemicals, it still contains carcinogens like p-phenlydiamine.

Which builds up when a gal can't seem to quit dyeing her hair yet still hopes to live a relatively long and healthy life!

But I’ll end my babbling here as this is not supposed to be (yet another post!) on my hair.


2. BLACK HOODIES

I love wearing black hoodies.

Photography by Vy (sometime between 2005-2006)

But my only one is gone!!!

Actually, it’s been gone for 2 years and counting.

I miss it, achingly.

It's from the year I was vice-prez of CAS. The design, created by one of my good friends and his genius artistic muse, is of a phoenix. Hm, and that's interesting...I didn't realize how much curlier my hair has gotten since then! Like now, I've actual tresses kind of curly. I shall endeavor to find/take a more recent picture of me with non-straightened hair...


3. RANDOM ACTS OF IMPULSIVE INSANITY

A prime example is when The Self-Proclaimed Monosyllabic Trio restlessly decides we ought to do something. This often usually always leads to an evening of Serial Impulses. Below is one of the "normal" pictures of me, posing by the gorgeous tree we became fixated upon on one such Serial Impulse occasion last Spring.

A tree we proceeded to climb--skirts, heels and all.

Never mind the curious stares of passers-by, of course...

Photography by either Vy or Kath, I forget...(3/23/2007)

Oh! And Keeyit asked for a photo of my younger sister.

So on a completely-unrelated-to-the-meme side note, here's one from when she was at Northwestern University (Evanston, IL) this past summer for nerd camp. And I've no qualms in calling it as such because, well ah see, I went to it myself as a younger...er, young'un, too!

And, LOOK! She has the thick-Asian-hair gene that apparently decided to skip yours truly.

Photography by what I assume to be one of Keek's CTD camp friends.

What a goof!

The little upstart is demonstrating what I've dubbed "The Turtle Kiss."

And coincidentally, she's wearing the same sweater as me in The Tree picture above. Sadly, a sweater I probably won't ever see again now that she's taken such a liking to it...

Well, that's my Chosen Three--

Now on to the fun part! I'm curious to read 3 things that:

Lisa
Moooooog35
Nick
Stealth
Meleah
and Chessnoid

...haven't/can't/won't let go of.

Pictures appreciated. ;)

The Personal Cheerleader

Photography by DiHa1977

She is beautiful. Heartbreakingly beautiful.

In all the ways that makes my eyes smile with tears and my heart swell with pride. My love sings with delighted abandon, for her.

I know this. I’ve always known it.

Yet it still takes my breath away, every single time. It grabs me by surprise, and I’m left reeling in wonderment…

Where does all the time go?

One moment she’s mulishly giving my hair once last vicious yank, biting my fingers to purple blisters, and leaving entire imprints of her upper teeth on my arm. In the next she doesn’t stop following me around, buggering the living daylights out of me while redefining the meaning of an infernal chatterbox.

And now she’s old enough to aptly deliver a reprimand well-deserved.


She is a thrill. Surprising, daunting, and thoroughly inspiring.

I was stunned the day I realized that she looked up to me.

That someone thinks the world ten thousand times over of me blew my mind...and humbled my heart. So ever since that timely epiphany, I continually strive to reaffirm that I am worthy of such unconditional adoration.

For her sake, as well as my own.

And to show her that I’m not perfect. That I make mistakes and will, in all likelihood, continue to do so...

We need to make those mistakes for it’s how we learn. To live.

She pushes me to see my own actions through her eyes. She pushes me to be better and to achieve more.

My personal cheerleader. My best friend.

She is my sister.

In Action, We Take

WHAT GOES AROUND…COMES AROUND – JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

“What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around…”

Today is (still!) Blog Action Day. The topic is environment. And I’m a big music junkie.

As you will see, those three things are somehow related.

For starters, the music should keep you company as I’ve got quite a lot to say…

CRUISIN’ – GWYNETH PALTROW & HUEY LEWIS

“You're gonna fly away
Glad you're goin my way
I love it when we're cruisin' together
Music is played for love
Cruisin' is made for love…”

…and love is shared to be spread.

When we love this world we live in, we’re also loving ourselves more.

In fact, we end up loving each other better.

And who doesn’t love that?

Yet we’re only human to boot and still manage to take a lot of things for granted.

Technology was here before we were born (unless you’re older than dirt ;) and it only continues to get better. We could persist in using today’s technology to feed our excesses or we could support the development of more efficient technology to moderate our energy waste.

The United States is the #1 consumer of practically everything, from drugs to oil. And when a country is only 231 (or 218 yrs-old, depending on when you want to start counting), we not only have a lot of land space to take for granted but way more resources than older countries to deplete as well.

It simply isn’t enough to help the environment when you only support alternative energy sources, such as coal, natural gas, nuclear, or renewable energies (85% of which comes from wind).

It won’t change our bad environmental habits either.

There’s no such thing as a quick fix.

And if there were, you can bet millions upon millions that there WILL be consequences for taking shortcuts.

So while going green is smart, it does take time as well. It takes time to develop more energy efficient cars, homes, buildings, and…people.

Therefore, as much as we all appreciate the technological advances in our lives, we shouldn’t forget the basics.

Ride a bicycle, or even use your own two feet more often!

Try it. They say walkers have better hearts anyhow.

CALLING ALL CARS – SENSES FAIL

“Calling all cars we've got another victim
'Cause my love has become an affliction
I'm sorry but I think I failed to mention…”

…to mention that, um, my family drives not one but two SUVs.

If Life were a Greek tragedy, it seems this would be our tragic flaw.

However, until we switch our 1999 Toyota 4runner and 2002 Toyota Sequoia for a hybrid or smaller car (my parents dislike buying new cars too often), having these gas-guzzlers actually reminds us to drive less and more economically.

For example, my parents would rather go to the pool at 5:30 AM to beat rush hour traffic. Afterwards, my dad goes off to work (taking the Metro) while my mom gets all her errands done in one trip before heading home by 9 AM. It’s also a habit for my family to plan the best route for what needs to get done by thinking more efficiently. You see, a typical Sunday at my house is as follows: sleep-in, fruit breakfast, lunch, 2 hrs at the local library, 3 hrs at the health club, quick dinner and groceries at Whole Foods.

Ah, the exciting life we lead.

Anyhow. Sure our cars have the potential to waste more oil but that’s just one thing to be aware of. Being pro-environment or leading a more energy-efficient life is not based on simply ONE thing.

It’s a collective effort. And a continuous action.

We don’t use plastic trash bags but instead re-use the brown paper bags from Whole Foods. We make our own compost for my mom’s Impromptu Garden. We converted from 5-gallon plastic bottled water to having glass bottled water sent to our house…and then, a couple of years ago we stopped that completely and just installed a filter in our sink and boiled the water to drink.

And to be honest here, we actually stopped drinking from plastic bottled water primarily for health reasons not for the environment.

Either way it supports the fact that going green should affect every aspect of your life.

Because green is good…for our own sake.

APOLOGIZE - ONEREPUBLIC FT. TIMBALAND

“Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...”

I’m sorry. I forgot. I don’t have enough time. I didn’t realize.

Making an excuse is the easy way out. We do it all the time because taking the blame acknowledges our guilt.

And we are all guilty of waste, at one time or another.

“You did NOT just do that.”

“…what?” I look up from the trashcan.

“Take that plastic bottle out.” He orders me, “You’re recycling it.”

I stare at my friend in a mixture of sheepish incredulousness.

“It’s already in,” I half-plead in hushed undertones, “I’ll remember next time. Promise.”

“No!” He crosses his arms and I think we’re starting attract some curious stares, “You’re doing this now.”

Are all my friends this stubborn? Hell yeah, you betcha.

So what else do I do but reach into trash can, nonchalantly pull out the soda caffeine-fix that got me through a boring 90-minute class lecture, and properly dispose of it.

I’m sorry. I forgot. I don’t have enough time. I didn’t realize.

I won’t let it happen a second time.

BEAUTIFUL THINGS - ANDAIN

“Now what do I do
can I change my mind
did I think things through…”

Why is a mother’s love so beautiful?

It’s pure, unconditionally giving, and devoted.

We often call it Mother Earth, but have we been good children? Or have we been neglectful, self-absorbed, and spoiled?

If things happen for a reason, then every action we take (or don’t take for that matter) can mean something.

At the very least, it’s a reflection of us.

And we should appreciate this one life we lead on one beautiful earth.

UNTIL THE DAY I DIE – STORY OF THE YEAR

“We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
Cause I know I still do…”

Together, we take time aside to raise awareness, to encourage discussion and action, and to celebrate our environment.

For me, it’s also a reminder. One day for every day to come.

And it's similar to how marriage is not only about the Big Wedding Day.*

Wedding vows serve as a reminder that you’re committing to this love for a lifetime (and as life expectancy continues to rise, that’s a pretty darn long time!!!). Likewise, being kind to our environment (and helping others to do the same) is not a one-day thing.

Blog Action Day may only be 1 out of 365 days but let us continue this awareness every single day.

Up until the day we die.

DANCE FLOOR ANTHEM – GOOD CHARLOTTE

So what does Dance Floor Anthem have to do with the environment and Blog Action Day?

I’ve no idea.

It’s just the new favorite song I love to blast while dancing by myself in my room.

Because yes I like to do that.

___________________________________________________
* I tell you, I manage to relate any topic back to love and relationships. I’m quite the incorrigible cliché, huh?

Gender Roles Be Damned

I've always loved killing (free or not is entirely beside the point) time with personality quizzes.

It's an addiction and a fact.

So you know, I figured because Dan, Meleah, and Ann have chosen blog quizzes to highlight, it was My Turn to spotlight one...

You Are 28% Girly

You are a pretty hardcore tomboy, and a very free spirit. Gender roles be dammed, you like to do things your way.

How Girly Are You?

Whoa, whoa...that's higher percentage than I expected, suh-weet.

But I am really annoyed with the last line,"Gender roles be damned, you like to do things your way." For it implies that having your own opinion or taking matters into your own hands are exclusively male characteristics.

That's sooooo 50 yrs ago!

It's heartening to see how certain traditional masculine traits have progressed to be attractive feminine traits as well. Hell yeah, I intend to be self-sufficient, financially independent, competitive (and yes, smack talk should be everyone's second nature), individualistic, and daring to defend my own beliefs.

I wouldn't want a man who expected any less OF me.

But if gender roles are dictated by societal expectations...well, Blogthings is damning the wrong perceptions. A more modern consideration would be to ask, how many typically feminine traits are thought to be attractive in a guy?

See, if it's considered a compliment for "a girl to be one of the guys," then why is it an insult for "a guy to be one of the girls"?

I personally appreciate that there are guys like Tyler in this world who can remain completely unfazed when 4 girls in a sappy-tearful-Becoming Jane-induced state come a'knocking, seeking the comfort of his big bear hugs but particularly the use of his fondue pot to dip things in chocolate with...

Yes, the guy owns a fondue pot AND has roommates who stock chai-green tea in their cupboard.

But back to the discussion of double standards.

If a person has an equal mix of male and female characteristics, he/she is considered androgynous...and is that so taboo?

I think not.

I believe it's a beneficial characteristic to encourage, to cultivate...in ourselves. To me, having an androgynous mind suggests a more open mind. It doesn't change a person's sex or sexual orientation. It only serves to expand the repertoire of how a person can think or behave.

So with all the unpredictability of Life, how can that be undesirable?

Adaptability is key to being laidback, Buddhist or not. And, breaking rules is such a satisfying way to live.

...because knowing you can surpass imposed limits is something like pure bliss.

Gender roles be damned, indeed.