Said and Done

Well, I wrote this emotional rant last week.

Yes, about the person who’s mentioned in probably half my entries, if not more. But I never got around to posting it.

Then, the week passed with lots of self-reflection and less reflection on him. So suddenly, I didn’t want to post it anymore for I had already gotten the resentful feelings all out and didn’t want to be reminded of them. I want to keep believing that every step I take is continually one step forward.

Overall, I think I am doing better by the week, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when I wonder if I’m again getting ahead of myself. I must let go of my need to control outcomes...

Anyhow, today’s horoscope on my iGoogle homepage caught my eye: “although you might be rather distracted, it's crucial that you tie up as many loose ends as possible prior to the Moon's return to your sign this evening. You are on the edge of a whole new emotional cycle, yet your attachments to the past can continue to prevent you from moving forward.”

Hmm, pretty much bull's eye, huh?

And so I figured…well, what the hell, I’m not going to dwell on it any longer or attempt to ignore what the past me wrote. I’m just going to post the damn emotional rant as is. And, I’m going to send him that email reply I’ve been holding back on, too.

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(Sunday - July, 8th 2007)

I’m not going back on what I said (Left Unsaid).

I meant those words, without judgment or malice. Though, I won’t deny it irks me. A lot more than I’d like it to and probably much more than it should. I don’t want to resent these things that you do anymore. It’s always so much effort. I want an easy-going, uncomplicated, unfettered friendship. But there’s no way I’d bring this up on my own.

WHAT'S DONE IS DONE...AND STAYS DONE.

Although I can’t help but think…is it so much to ask of you, as a goddamn friend. Is it so hard for you to even fucking remember? It might annoy me if a close friend forgot, but it’s never beneath me to forgive (especially since I naturally and easily forgive those close to me). Plus, I forget these things, too, you know. Guys aren’t the only one who can be clueless.

Now a gal’s starting to wonder…

How long is it going to take before you even realize? Don’t tell me you’re simply not going to mention it, that it’s going to be yet another thing left unaccountable. See, I don’t understand. Maybe I’m unable to understand. Maybe it’s all a façade and we’re not as close as I thought. But then the thought of all my belief in you going down the drain is such a disappointment. It seems such a waste of a friendship. So much so, I ought to demote your ‘status’ to acquaintance, ya think?

Unfortunately, I’m not that petty—I always strive to be as much of a tolerant and generous friend as possible. I may vent over things to myself, but I don’t freak out over minor things to others (usually). And, yet. It sure does sting that you wished some other girl on Facebook happy birthday 4 days before mine (yes, this is why it wrecks havoc on me to accidentally read other people’s messages on his wall and why I pinky-swore to stop looking at his profile completely). I know you're aware that my birthday is in the summer. I mean seriously, did you not see my birthday coming up!? And afterwards, did you not see the many well-wishes left on my wall? Seriously!?

I know, I know. It’s just some words, so what’s the BIG deal, right?

Exactly right. Then can someone please, please, please explain to me why I am so strung out about it. Even though I don’t want to hear the answer I already know. I don’t want to hear again and again that it’s because I still care more than I should, damn it. So maybe, just maybe, it isn’t beneath me to resent this action of yours after all. Maybe it’ll cut my longing for you to be a worthy part of my life…

You see, I can no longer be a masochist in my affection towards you. And, never have I remained a masochist in a friendship…with anyone.


Yes, boy…she’s talking about you.