the laid.back Buddhist has MOVED...back!

Wednesday, August 29

In Transit

Helplessness
is a transitory condition...

The ability to stand and walk on one's own feet is the permament and common one.

-Erich Fromm-


Self-doubt is a frequent visitor to my life.
Although, not because of a lack of self-esteem. I think it stems more from an acknowledgement for the uncertainty of Life.
Of being only human.
I can and will confidently (or some might call it young bravado or what have you) walk my own path. Yet that doesn't mean I won't stubbornly question each decision every step of the way!
For looking back in regret is something I'd rather not suffer.
I much rather understand (and admit) that even if I could go back...be given the same situation in the same point in my life, I wouldn't have done it any other way. Probably couldn't have, either. I live to experience, and hopefully, I learn. So I strive to improve, and thus, I seek.
Ergo, I end up with some pretty freakin' ridiculously tough questions...and well, as you might imagine, some very unwelcome periods of self-doubt as well.
~~~
"You look different."
"Really?! What do you mean?"
"I saw you walking in front of me, and I thought, 'Is that Joanne? No, that's not her...wait! It is!"
I laugh. "Yoga must've really done something to me, huh? Do you know, I'm down to the same weight I was last Thanksgiving break when I got food poisoning. Remember that?"
[I lost 12 lbs in 3 days, it was NOT fun. Particularly strong in my memory is how I could only watch as my family merrily wolfed down sushi and other Japanese goodies at Narita Airport in Tokyo. Boy, was I sorely tested.]
"Yes, I do. But, wow! Your body shape has changed somewhat...it's different." She's in her fitness-trainer-mode now (meaning she's giving me the head-to-toe inspection), "You look very healthy."
"Well, thanks," I reply before admitting with a chuckle, "I'm also a LOT happier now!"
She nods. "It shows."
~~~
It's true.
Honestly, three months ago? I was only 6 lbs more but was also lugging around this hefty load of invisible baggage. Or, so I thought was invisible. For my more astute friends (and immediate family members, esp. my mom), some things showed despite my putting-up-of a brave front.
Although, it now seems to have been more of avoidance and denial than any thing brave. You know, just like how there are some things you can't run from. That you shouldn't run from. That remain there until you finally work up the gumption to confront it.
At last, I think I can fully understand why every single one of my friends (female and male alike) did not like my former...um, what do I call him when I can't simply say his name (as I do to friends who knew him)? Well, psuedo ex-boyfriend will have to do.
So lately, I've been riding this spurt of re-ignited self-love and renewed appreciation for all it's worth. Besides being in that honeymoon phase where I'm falling in love with my friends all over again after summer separation...for the FIRST time in my life, I really love, love, love my classes.
I know! Doesn't that sound weird?
And, I've got yoga at least twice a week worked conveniently into my schedule. I've been gauging my body's response, paying attention to what I eat because I truly care. I want to continue enjoying that feeling of doing something good for my body...mind and spirit.
Now don't get me wrong. I've still the usual run-of-the-mill worries, and some latent ones, if my dreams are any indication (what? being a pirate king's daughter?!).
But, I'm not as...anxious.
I worked hard to land on my feet. And here I am, finally seeing how I can use them to walk across new possibilities.
It's funny how I realized in yoga class today that hey!...they actually looked quite pretty!
(sometimes, I'm just so weird like that)

22 Musing(s):

YogaPeace said...

Hi Joanne

You sound familiar... haha... oh yeah... sounds like me. :)

We are all humans and we all come with packages of worries and past on our shoulders.

I have similar "package" that i hope to confront. It's really tiring.

But glad that you are doing constructive and positive actions for yourself. Yoga is a great way to open yourself up again as well as to learn about and love yourself.

You will look better and more radiance ( weight loss is a bonus if you practice everyday ;) )

You go girl!

Love
Lesley

Joanne said...

Lesley: Haha, well I SHOULD practice everyday...but it's more every other day. I agree 100% with what you said about yoga--my whole family (even my dad) go to yoga class together!

mikkers said...

this was really inspirational and i think something that we all go through. we experience ruts and bumps, but i think that is what makes life interesting. you learn from mistakes and you learn from the bad things

but i am glad you are feeling so positive and healthy!

Kymerean said...

Joanne,
I am glad to hear you are dealing with your problems in a positive manner. I do have a question for you that maybe you have already answered.
You worry about looking back in regret, and questioning every step along the way. Well thats human of you. ;) But have you ever thought that without some of your worst decisions and greatest regrets that you would maybe not be the person you are? Or possibly never have experienced a part of your life that had great meaning?
Never look back on life in regret. Truly every step we take even our stumbles have led us to who we are.

Enjoy your perfections and imperfections Joanne and help others to do the same.

Kymerean

David said...

I have so much self-doubt that is not even funny. The good thing is that it comes and goes fast. By the way, do guys take yoga too? Is it all females in your yoga class?

brookem said...

what a great attitude you've got lady! sounds like it's apparent both inside and out:)

Anonymous said...

these are the posts that hurt jo. What is phantasy here for you,and the way it's presented (for you to be OK with what happened) hurts. I can understand that this is for you, but real life and the things that say when I question why these posts say what they do, your response hurts. I don't feel it is right, but that doesn't mean that you are wrong. But you should know that it hurts.

Erina Hart said...

"I much rather understand (and admit) that even if I could go back...be given the same situation in the same point in my life, I wouldn't have done it any other way."

Great way to look at things! You did learn a lot through experience. Imagine if you didn't have that knowledge now!

Great job with the yoga! I am so pleased to hear that you are healthy (in more ways than one).

Erina Hart said...

Tag! You’re It! You want to know why?

Go here: http://erinahart.blogspot.com/2007/08/you-all-run-faster-than-me.html

Joanne said...

Miki: Thanks, dear. I've been finding your blog inspirational, too! Your writing makes me think longer on issues I might not have otherwise...so glad you blog!

Kymerean: Ohh, definitely. That's one of the things I think about when I'm doing all that human questioning, haha. You are right, when I look back...I do see decisions that I could've done better. That I could regret. Only that my definition of "regret" is wishing something never happened...which would be untrue. I'd only have cause for regret if I didn't learn from a bad experience...learn how to make a better decision the SECOND time around, you know? Insightful question. I'm glad we're friends!

David: Haha, yeah...it helps to see the humorous side in something that can't always be controlled. And, LOTS of guys take yoga (including my dad). There's a lot of male yoga instructors out there, too. Many guys find those upper body/arm strength poses easier to do than beginner females due to naturally having more muscle. And some of my basketball friends do yoga to help prevent injuries, improve flexibility, concentration, and agility (I tease 'em saying it all started because I always cream them with my trigger-shots!)

Brookem: Thanks! It's an ongoing process, but seeing progress is not only rewarding, but motivating! =)

Anonymous: Thanks for sharing your opinion, but I really must disagree on this matter (of which I am personally acquainted with). I am a dreamer, yes...but my life thus far is not "phantasy". Truth can't and shouldn't be changed, even if you think it hurts. And while I'm not exactly sure why you've chosen to attach a negative attitude to my words. I've made clear time and again that I don't regret what happened nor do I resent (or attempt to justify for him) his actions, past and present. Bitterness can ruin the good of a friendship. These posts aren't easy for me to write...and it's taken time for me to realize and get to this point. It's all about accepting, acknowledging it for what it's worth...and moving on. It would be NOT okay for me to remain in the past. That's how I see my response. And for the record, he agrees with me...so really, I'm confused as to why I'm "hurting".

Erina: Haha, yeah experience is a rough teacher sometimes, but gives the most valuable lessons! I imagine that if I didn't have that knowledge now, I'd probably have to experience it again...until I finally did get it! ;)

Rolando said...

Don't you know you can never hide anything from your mom, haha. Mom's have a 6th sense.

They don't even have to see you, they can sense you and what you're feeling.

Good luck on your transit and hope you don't miss the bus to happiness, whatever that may mean for you.

Rolando

Bobby said...

I've been doing yoga for 25 years and it, after much relection, has been the single most important art I have ever learned. I love reading about someone who reflects on their life and shares their experiences honestly. You have much wisdom and I know you are on the right path:)

Joanne said...

Rolando: A mother's intuition compounded with strong female intuition and human instinct...I'm definitely NO match. =)

Bobby: WOW, 25 years. That's amazing...yoga truly is a way of life. I'm only in my first year and am already reaping so many benefits (body, mind and soul).

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