the laid.back Buddhist has MOVED...back!

Friday, October 19

On Regretting Not

Photography: Broken by FluidG4

In less than a week, my blog will have reached 7 months.

That’s 7 months since I finally realized, to the FULL extent, just how bad my heart was going to ache starting in May.

Even then, suffering that broken heart was worse than I imagined.

Crushes come and go like summer rain. But when I recognize that I’ve started to really like someone, it comes to the point where either I tell the guy...or I’ll burst. It’s hellishly nerve-racking and I’ve only done it twice, once in high school and once last year. Both led to experiences I don’t regret and memories I cherish.

Last Fall, when I realized that I had unexpectedly fallen for a boy, I knew (1) nothing could’ve stopped me from liking him the more I got to know him and (2) we were going to end…even before we began, even while I was falling in over my head.

You see, it’s always easier for me to confess or admit to my feelings than to try to hold back otherwise I’m left feeling awkwardly uncomfortable. Apparently that’s what happens when you wear your heart on your sleeve.


And I don’t know of any other heart.

All too often “what if’s” lead to regret...it means I saw and knew yet didn’t act.

Regret is for when you don’t learn your lesson properly the first time around. It’s for repeating mistakes. See, if you make a mistake and gain something from that experience…then, well, there is nothing for you to regret, is there?

And I refuse to regret the choices I make.

Knowing that I wouldn’t have it any other way gives me confidence to make mistakes, to hit or miss on my own terms.

That’s why taking time to really think before taking any action (be it minor or major) is so valuable to me. It’s why I make sure I’ve more or less formed my own opinion before asking for advice. This does not, by any means at all, make me intolerant of new change or unable consider other possibilities. It simply means that I’ll be able to better differentiate between my Intuition and my Rationale.

So this marks my 118th post, and I don’t regret a single word I’ve published here.

My archives are witness to many lessons learned the hard way.

21 Musing(s):

Holly said...

Congratulations on the 118th post, you really ARE addicted to blogging. :P

I find it's easiest to regret memories...But then you're left mulling it over and driving yourself mad and it isn't fair to the person you were before you realized the fact that you regret it. I don't like making my past self feel inadequate so a life lesson in itself is to live with no regrets. Everything happens for a reason--and that reason is to learn and go on living.

CHESSNOID said...

Hi Joanne,
I missed something. Why is it ending before you guys began?? It sounds like a sad love story. :(

Congratulations on 7 months of blogging! Cheers! ;)

Susie said...

I started blogging 3 years ago to get over an infatuation. I was so infatuated with a person and I knew it was infatuation and not the real thing. Blogging helped me, I got over it and I still once in a while email with the person I had a crush on. Blogging is good for many different things :)

Congrats on the 7 months blog anniversary!

Aryst said...

Our blog has the same anniversary...my blog also 7 months already and I posted more than 200 entry, a bit more than you...and I can relate to your story becoz I've been through situation like you also...anyway, congrats on your blog anniversary...

Katherine said...

Congratulations on 7 months!

A guy once said to me, "no regrets. f*ck regrets. There's nothing you can do to change the past, so there's no point worrying about it."

He didn't quite understand my need to think about things in order to overcome them, but I realized in the end that his regretless philosophy was fundamentally a good one. Ironically, he later became one of those things I'd think back on and decide I didn't regret, despite the heartache...

What I mean to say is that It hink every experience is important, because it gives us not only knowledge but perspective. I don't want to be the naive person I was two years ago. She'd annoy the hell out of me. It was worth the pain to get to where I am now...a little more adult, a little more cynical, and a little more prepared to face the next speedbump.

*biiiiigggg hug (rough night)*

Peter said...

Go to where your heart and mind tell you to go. Life's only regret you have to worry about, is the one where you fail to follow your instinct.

Regards
Peter

derick said...

hi joanne,
regrets are a waste of energy--when one makes a decision it is based on the available facts at that time --- so it should be the best decision.
it is of no use later just because you found out something new that you now have a regret.
life should be up close and personal and not being the passenger in one's own life.
making mistakes is good--that is the learning curve.
assimilate the experience and when you are ready move on

congrats on anniversary of blog
it is in your blood now
take care

Rolando said...

My only regret is that I didn't start blogging sonner. Dang.

Congrats on your 118 posts Joanne! You've got my vote!

david said...

Never regret, for it means acknowledging defeat. And grats on your 118th post!

YC said...

Congrats Joanne! :)

I think twice, thrice and maybe 4 times (is there a word for that) before I make some critical decisions - because I've made loads of dud ones. That doesn't mean I twiddle my fingers and toes over it.

Sometimes tho', sometimes, I still feel a tiny tinge of regret. I am no Superman going through life saying hey look at me I am the toughest sonofabi**h hurtling my way through life and only look forward.

I still need to look back sometimes, in order to move forward.

sabrinasmoneymatters said...

On old country song made perfect sense to me one day in the lyric..."there ain't no future in the past...", pardon the bad english, but it is country after all, lol.

Since that time I've lived and walked through many tribulations, some of my own causing, well most really, but that's beside the point. I agree that if you learn from it, then it's not really a mistake, it was a learning experience - just a little rougher.

Life is too short to live looking in the rear view.

Joanne said...

Holly: Thank you, for the congratulations on my addiction, lols! And you know, that’s the same philosophy I adhere to…and also, if I see meaning in something that has happened for a reason, I figure I should pay attention to that as well.

Chessnoid: Maybe because I have really good intuition like that ;) It is a pretty sad chapter in my life.

Susie: Yeah, email is a good form of keeping in touch and haha, I’ve found blogging useful for way more stuff that I ever imagined! Love it, thanks =)

Aryst: LOL, “a bit more”? That’s a heck of a lot more postings than me, haha, probably because the first two months I barely posted. And then, starting in May, blogging went on an explosion of sorts!

Kath: Exactly. I like where I am right now, and that took pain and joys to get to this point. I wouldn’t want to go through it twice (hence, learn the lesson right the first time), but I’m glad they happened regardless for what it’s worth. Your perspective comment reminded me of Tom in Becoming Jane: “You must widen…your horizons.” ;) LOLs!

Peter: How do you understand so well? I’d be lost without my intuition…

Derick: I like the analogy. Haha, I don’t know if all the decisions I’ve made in the past have been the “best” per se, but at least I knew it was a choice I wouldn’t regret when I looked back! =)

Rolando: Hahaha, I’ve thought about that, too. But then, I think if I started at a different time, EVERYTHING would be different. I would’ve met different people, my writing would’ve been different a couple of years ago (and hence attracted different sorts of readers)…I might not have gotten so addicted, who knows?

David: It’s true to never dwell on our regrets because that stagnates us, but I think it also takes courage to acknowledge defeat when we recognize it. It’s like knowing when to ask for help when we need it instead of denying or pretending we don’t need it.

YC: LOLs, there should be a word of 4 times, I think…I’ll have to ask my English major friend, haha. Very wise words there…it’s like they say, we learn history in order not to repeat the past!

Sabrina: Haha, I don’t mind bad English…I grew up in part in the south anyhow! LOLs, most of them are our own causing, why else would we learn to pay attention to them otherwise? ;)

Bobby said...

So many people (men and women) are into highchool dating "games" like "keep 'em guessing" etc.

I have never been much of a game player. I will never regret telling anyone how I feel.

Almost ever relationship I have ever had ended with her going for a brainless goon who wouldn't even say she was pretty unless she cried and begged.

I am a mushy, very romantic guy! I will not change that for anyone.

I have played the game and avoided telling someone I liked them. Sometimes they fish for it and I break down and say it. That's usually the day the relationship ends.

Wow...it is almost impossible for me to trust. I live with a severely broken heart and it is what I struggle with every SINGLE day:)

Joanne said...

Bobby: I think there’s a certain appeal in not knowing as you get to know a person, that whole dating phase can be exciting (while completely nerve-racking), but I 100% agree that feelings are not to be toyed with…I disapprove of mixed signals where words don’t match up with actions or leading someone on. You are right on to call it “high school,” it is very much so! Hm, I’ve a habit of trusting too much…my personal philosophy is that everyone has my trust until they lose it (second chances may be given, and third chances are rare) and the people have my trust are given more as I get to know them more and more. This results in me being burned a lot, but I’ve been given so many beautiful friendships, there’s no other way I’d rather live.

Wow, that was a much longer comment than I intended it to be, lols!

Bobby said...

I agree there is a certain appeal in not knowing. There is a fine line between playful mystery and childish behavior.

I trust easier than I care to admit. I might be mushy but will not stick around to prolong misery!

As much heartache as I've been through, I wouldn't trade it. I have definetly loved. You know the old saying...It's better to have loved...

Lisa said...

Congratulations on your 118th! I find it really admirable that you can lay it all out here. I'm having issues writing about things that matter on my blog.

meleah rebeccah said...

Congrats on the 7 months!

I do not regret anything either...not a single word in a single post...

NOR do I regret any of my failed relationships. Doomed from the start or not.

I believe everyone comes in and out of our lives for a reason.

Nola said...

I once read that life is a spiral--you keep facing the same challenges but at different emotional stages of development. So with each one, you get something more from it and continue to grow. But that doesn't mean the same issue won't trigger a challenge to you the next time you face it.

I am happy you have no regrets--and happy you blog about your life. Very good, strong writing. Thanks for it!

Joanne said...

Bobby: Haha, I do know that saying very well. Although I have been known to call the author of that saying a lunatic when nursing a broken heart, lols! I think I give 2 different kinds of trusts. Like, I can trust others, and even if I’m just getting know the person, very easily…up to a certain point. Then there’s this more guarded wall that’s in place...to protect the more vulnerable trust? Not sure if that makes sense, I’m still in the midst of figuring out how it works myself.

Lisa: Aw, thank you. When I started making friends within the blogosphere, I did feel initial hesitation in keeping up with the same emotionally raw posts. But trying to censor myself (lols) makes my writing read like absolute crap, haha.

Meleah: Thanks!!! I’m relieved to hear I’m not the only one who can see a relationship can be doomed from the start. My intuition makes it hard if I also intuitively know I can’t change what I feel or that all my actions are based on my feelings, hah.

Nola: Wow, I really like that thought! It really does makes sense to see our collective experience as continuous stages of different emotional levels. Reminds me of human developmental theories. Haha, I like to think that if I were to face a same issue, I’d have a broader spectrum of reactions to choose to respond with. Thanks for your support for my writing! =)

ChrissyJo said...

Congrats on your blog, it really is wonderful. Don't waste time regretting. I used to regret things a lot and think I did things wrong but they lead me to the great place I am at now, so maybe I did everything right? Who knows.. hope you get happy again soon :) .

Joanne said...

Chrissyjo: Thank you! Well, I am happy now, just with the occasional blues. Hahaha, I like that way of thinking that if everything turned out fine in the long run, the things previously "wrong" were actually needed and good! =)


IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING.
Winston Churchill