Fear Verbatim (and Sings Gloriously, too)

Holy shit. Holy Mother of Pearl.

Shiv (whose blog I like to read) and her Lucy Snowe Band have an upbeat song I just can't get enough of. The lyrics to "Twelve Two" are...perfect. Such range, and such a treasure. Go to their new Myspace page and listen to it. While reading these lyrics. Now.

You'll see hear what I mean. She has a great voice.

The song sharpens the outlines of a hazy fear which was always lurking in the back of my mind (this something, mentioned at the end of this old post, I gave up trying to figure out last week). THIS is what's been bothering me and my late nights. And, reading the lyrics (while repeatedly compulsively listening) bring out a truth I can't deny because hell, I can't ignore what's staring back at me right now from my computer screen.

It's all there, in black and white. What an 'aha!' moment.

What I fear--verbalized, celebrated and set to a catchy tune. I am reminded of what a part of me still can't help but hope for. What I love and long for...but yet am also so damn afraid of...of actually happening. I can still feel everything (and him) deeply. My confidence and percentage of surety wavers when I look too far ahead, if I try to consider all that may and will happen. This jumbled mix of feelings makes me unsure of my step. Wondering often if I'm just getting ahead of myself as I tend to do. A downside of thinking too much.

I like (as much as I do procrastinate) to be prepared, and my most valuable tool in navigating the Unknown also known as My Life...is well, knowing who I am.

I know what I could want in the future (when he re-enters my life 8-9 months from now)--and my god! has it been battling fiercely with what I know I don't want now. Except there's a small part of me that does wish for it, and now.

And, I've been stubbornly refusing to acknowledge its existence, my own weakness.

My favorite lines of the song...be warned, it's practically the whole thing, haha.

[lyrics in entirety can be found here]

"Didn't know what hit me when I saw you standing there

Thought I would feel so different, feel nothing at all

Wasn't set for you to smile, not set for you to meet my eyes

Not ready yet to be so glad you'd walked back to my life

My life

I drew to you immediately; oh, I felt you from here

That tension was raw and alive, despite our best intentions,

I find it hard to focus with my senses tuned like this

My pulse is racing, fingers tracing patterns on the armrest,

My very pores are seething, seeking signals back from you

And it's much too late to toe the line

We've opened back what came before

Your taste, your smell back in my sight

You know it's left me wanting

So what do we do now

What do we do now?

We move along, I take your arm, I get to breathe you in
You pull me closer, draw me back, and I am lost in you
And though I know the reason that we missed last time around
Remains as valid, proper, realised right now as it ever was.

We drew that line to save ourselves
'Cause we both know we're in no place
To offer what the other needs
But that's a risk that I will take
That is a choice that I will make
'Cause I know what it's like to wake up next to you.

So fuck that deal we made before

The only deal is with today

And how we'll deal with it this time

If it will go the same way."