the laid.back Buddhist has MOVED...back!

Friday, July 6

Houdini's Act III

The Love Life

In my 21 years thus far, I’ve fallen for four guys worth mentioning—the degree varying from first crush to first lover.

At age 12.

Red-haired, with freckles, amazing green eyes and an absolute wicked sense of humor. My first crush. We rode the bus to Safety Harbor middle school every morning. I was the bookworm who (yes, voluntarily) sat in the front seat behind the bus driver while he…? He was the rowdy upstart who got moved to the front seat behind the bus driver. This boy could tell stories that I’m pretty sure even Ms. Bus Lady cracked a smile at every now and then. He was charming in a very sweet way, and he liked to teasingly flirt with me. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear he grew up to be a heartbreaker, but the kind you just can’t get mad at. Of course, the crush faded and was replaced by others when we moved from Florida to New Orleans the following year, but my memory of that first crush remains vivid.

At age 17.

I met him over a summer leadership conference my sophomore summer in high school. We kept in touch throughout my junior (his senior) year and before I knew it, I somehow developed this enormous crush on a guy several states away. It was honestly the most idealistic form of affection. There was the usual banter over AIM and sweetly teasing emails, silly pictures sent back and forth and 3-hr long phone calls (talking even in Chinese and singing songs to each other. Yes, we were dorks of the same kind). Call it puppy love through the intellectual mind. Then he was off to college and I was wrapping up my own senior year. Our naive fervor for each other ended amiably and naturally, so our friendship was kept. I love how over the years, we maintained a comfortable bond. Granted we don’t talk a fraction the amount we used to, but I’m always pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to still strike up conversation with him over the phone on occasion. I take it as a good sign for our friendship that I still laugh until my cheeks hurt.

At age 19.

I remember the first time I felt myself being drawn into his easy-going humor and natural charisma (after I got over the initial shock of "Holy crap! It's an asian guy over six feet"). He went on to become the big brother I always wished I had, even though I’m so glad he wasn’t really for I was totally sweet on him. He already had a girlfriend (who is an awesome girl, by the way) that year we first met. They separated the next year when he graduated and started working. But we all keep in touch. In fact, he and I continue to have the laid-back friendship we had from the start. Funny how these matters of the heart operate, I thought my warm affection towards him engaged all, if not most of, my feelings. That it meant my heart was safe for the time being. I truly believed it and thought that way until one day I suddenly gave my heart away to the person I least expected.

At age 20.

It’s odd to talk about our past history together when it’s pretty fresh, when how our friendship will develop is still left to be seen. So, I can’t offer any I’m-past-walking-down-this-road reflection or insight. But, the basics don’t change. Blonde hair, blue eyes...he was the first kiss who went on to become my first lover.

Looking back, I realized they all have several things in common. (1) I was always quick to smile around them and they could effortlessly make me laugh, (2) Each had a good heart, (3) We had excellent friendships, (4) They all pushed me to be a better person or to try new things, and (5) I knew that one day my romantic feelings for them would dissolve into something platonic.

Bullet 5 is the trigger-shot one…
And, it leads to the third disappearing act:

[3.] To cutting off my romantic attachment with a friend. See here’s the thing, I can control my emotions but I can’t control which emotions I feel. He fit the role for my escapist tendencies perfectly, in other words (and in the words of all the people who cared for me), he was bad for me. We are fantastic friends, we had this sexual tension that loved to flare up, and we each had our own issues. He is great as a lover, but disastrous as a romantic interest. I knew this, and this is probably the reason I felt it safe to let go. I loved to escape into what I had found with him because I knew it would end.

He’s currently in Europe for the next two semesters and our friendship is at its best because there is zero chance of the physical chemistry blurring things. We are back to being great friends, and only that. I can’t make him my escape again because I only escape into what I expect to end. And, I’m not willing to let our friendship to end. So, I better get my act together and start seeing him not as an escape but treating...getting used to seeing him as a friend.

However rare true love may be, true friendship is even rarer – La Rochefoucauld

Act I - The Johnson Ladies
Act II - The Academia Nutcase

0 Musing(s):

Winston Churchill