the laid.back Buddhist has MOVED...back!

Sunday, September 16

Confessions are Contagious

[To K of our Monosyllabic Trio]

I see you, and I see in your experience...myself.

My past no longer hurts me, but your present makes me feel the exact same hurt all over again.

It pains me like no other to see my friends suffer.

The whole "I don't completely not hate you for not realizing my friend is the best thing that will ever happen to you" sarcastic sparring is all joking fluff, as you well know. I can barely do one push-up, but believe me, my dear, next time I see him...there's no holding back, no giving him the benefit of the doubt for your sake. I'm revving to cut that boy to the bone with glacial stares and sharper words for what he's doing to you.

Did you know? Like you, I'm struggling not to write about the one subject I'd rather not.

I just delay publishing it.
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[Two Weeks Ago]

Tunnel Vision Syndrome

I’m not a big fan of this self-imposed tunnel vision thing you’ve got going on here, missy.
It is NOT self-imposed if I can’t help it. There’s a reason I’ve got it still.
Yeah, keep tryin’ to tell yourself that.

How do you do it?

Teach me, I need to learn how to emulate this skill of yours. How the hell can you so casually drop the bomb on me like that? It’s happened before, so I oughta be able to handle it right?

But doesn’t mean that I’ll suddenly know how to reply in such a situation.

That I’ll be okay with you asking me if I’m seeing anybody else.

As my friend, you have the right to ask me anything you want about my life. As a former lover, as the guy who gave me up, broke my heart…you’ve lost the right to be in my love life. Yes, this includes asking me about it.

Why put me in the position where I don’t know how to say you can’t ask me this without straining our friendship?

Don’t refer to me, using old nicknames, as your anything. Don’t send me kisses.

No matter how cute, I didn’t want personal family photos sent to me of you holding a baby or sitting on a tiny tricycle with your toddler cousins.

That’s really unfair. Really.

We can joke, talk or whatever just like old times. Because you’re not near me. When I know I can’t see you. Touch and smell you. Because you can’t be here to hold me.

You forget these are new times for us…for me. I thought we already established that?

I’ve realized that it’s a good thing, how you can’t be here for me. I admit I’m still that bit afraid of our past history. That explosive chemistry, that giddy feeling. I don’t want to touch it. Don’t want it to touch me. I want you to stay in the Past because my getting to this Present was hard enough as it is.

I’m ready for you, to stop haunting me.

I can share our memories with friends if it helps them. I can even laugh about the past, good times are good times regardless…

But I’m doing better now. In my comfort zone, I can give back to you from this safe distance of afar. It allows me to safely ride out my Tunnel Vision Syndrome without you further confusing things.

I’m starting a new beginning for myself, and I refuse to let you pull me along, down.

While I do miss your company terribly… isn’t just terrible how glad I am that I won’t be seeing you for a very, very long time.

If even then.

It quite possibly might be the reason we’ve stayed friends.
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[Today, laughing my pants off at Deet's with the V of our Monosyllabic Trio]

Thanks for the Memories

It’s a really weird feeling.

I saw your ex-girlfriend today. Second time this week now and I’m pretty sure that it’s her.

Granted I’ve only known what she looks like from the pictures you showed me that one time last year. We never ran into her in person, but that’s probably because last year I always had tunnel vision. If we were walking somewhere together, people had to call out my name for me to notice them.

I get the feeling she knows who I am. The feeling’s not very…friendly.

I didn’t realize, or at least it didn’t sink in, that she still went here until you mentioned how you ran into her sometime last spring. I forgot you mentioned how she was staying here an extra year.

It’s weird that I see her now that you’re gone.

I have the urge to write you an email and tell you this…about how weird it is to know sordid details of her relationship with you, and yet not know her. I think you’d appreciate the amusing irony.

But I refuse. Because you finally got the hint this summer that I don’t like to hear about your ex. Ever. No matter how brief the mention, even if it’s all bad things, even when you’re unintentionally comparing how I had much more self-esteem, more independence, more maturity, more fun than her. I feel sorry that her insecurity in herself caused her to be so manipulative, caused her to cheat on you, caused her to say she still has feelings for you even after you guys broke up.

I felt sorry that your baggage with her spilled over into our pseudo-relationship last year, that I had to unknowingly battle all the wariness you had of me because of what she did to you.

And I feel it’s kinda funny how I couldn’t help but compare myself to her today.

Damn straight, it’s a pretty weird feeling.

Oddly, I’m not jealous at all. But I feel like I should be.

You told me recently how you haven’t found someone nearly as cool as me to hang out with, and I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t know what to say because I couldn’t return the same sentiment. I do miss you, but not in that way anymore.

You send me kisses while asking me about my dating life, and I have to wonder about your motivation for doing so. I tactfully evade answering your question about whether I’m meeting any nice guys with a joke about how my really kick-ass water bottle is the one attracting more attention from guys.

You broke my heart…is it any wonder that my heart chose to start in a new direction?

For the first time, it looks like my heart is one step ahead of my mind. Seems like my tunnel vision is totally mental.

Bygones really do become bygones.

Thanks for the memories.

5 Musing(s):

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Very emotional and powerful writing. I can almost sense what you feel.

david said...

Interesting how yesterday's church lesson was to make your past tragedies into comedies in order to move forward. You are only over it when you able to do so. Carpe Diem! Move forward and laugh at the past.

Kymerean said...

Joanne,
I believe I said it before somewhere that any man would be lucky to have you with them, but a fool to let you go. So I say to the unknown you are a fool. I am happy your heart is leading you in a new direction. Now if you will just remove your watch and your clocks and let time not pummel you further.

Kymerean

Anonymous said...

boy, was i sure taught a lesson. setting a record for waiting the longest to before you give up hope that people will behave like humans.

I am not ashamed

Joanne said...

Speedcat Hollydale: Thanks, emotions sometimes make writing easier, and other times, it’s hard to organize my emotions into something comprehensible, haha. But either way, writing it all out helps me better understand what I’m feeling.

David: I agree—laughing about the past and present makes sure that I can laugh in the future. =)

Kymerean: Hahaha, thanks...and I don’t wear watches, it’s a big problem how fast time flies with me!

Anon: For some reason, I’m perplexed by what you mean by these comments. But whatever’s meant…it’s good that you aren’t ashamed, as Jack Kerouac wrote, “no fear or shame in the dignity of your experience.” And, I think you should stick to one alias instead of going back and forth between anon and something else.


IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING.
Winston Churchill