the laid.back Buddhist has MOVED...back!

Sunday, December 9

Contentment is not Satisfaction

I’ve been distracted. From writing.

It’s a temporary affliction, I assure you.

With finals week looming over my head, my current life mainly consists of alternating between my studies and rewarding myself with episodes of Korean dramas/movies. So, I haven’t really had the time to focus on blogging. And instead of writing before bed, I’ve taken up leisure reading, which is something I NEVER do during the academic year. The current book is a whim (a collection of poems by Rumi) that I picked up from Barnes & Noble over the weekend.

However, it’s not so much distraction as it is dissatisfaction. My thoughts are in chaotic limbo, so please...consider yourself forewarned.


I scolded him when I wrote back the other day. For being bored in Darmstadt.

I gave him the quote from my dad on how the world is like a book, urged him to “read more lines,” and joked that he was seriously being jipped if he—especially with the thirst for activity I know he has—didn’t take full advantage during his stay. I also wrote that it takes me awhile to build a new heart so he can stop asking if I’ve met anybody new, thanks.

Truthfully, even if I did, I think it'd be difficult to make work.

You see, during this time I’d be too suspicious that I was just exhibiting rebound behavior or something. And I must confess...that’s also the reason I haven’t gone clubbin’ at all this semester, believe it or not. You know how I once wrote that the darkness of the night reminded me of him? It’s because I often spent the evenings with him and even when separately with our friends, we spent a good amount of our nights together. So, I knew that this new start of not having the option of his arms to hold me afterwards would crush my heart, flat out overwhelm it with loneliness and/or longing.

Yup, and that concludes the impromptu sob story of why I stopped going to nightclubs on weekends.

Honestly, the appeal has totally been lost and I don’t know if it’ll ever come back since I can satisfy my dance urges at private parties with friends or rockin’ it out alone in my room to all my favorite songs.

On a side note, not partying it up as much as I used to has saved me a shit load of money. Once, my mom even asked if I was secretly working a job on the side because (1) my money market account, for which the account statements are sent home, has been growing faster than usual and (2) she already knows I don’t like receiving a monthly allowance, especially since it keeps increasing (“To keep up with inflation!” she claims). For someone who has never had an allowance growing up, to suddenly be given so much money after entering college still bewilders me.

Another reason, I’m what most people would call…cute when drunk. Think of it as my normal crazy impulsiveness in happy overdrive. I’ve also a tendency to be very, very...friendly. That sort of uninhibited attraction is absolutely fine when I’m raising hell with good friends (gets diffused amongst us) or when my heart is already engaged (gets channeled towards that one person). Otherwise, I fear the alcohol would make me do something my self-esteem would probably definitely regret. So, I’ve taken care not to put myself in situations where rebound behavior could possibly come out and bite me in the ass (if you haven’t noticed, I tend to curse more when stressed from exams, too).

But I’ve digressed.

This post has drifted so far from the originally intended topic (see title for a refresher)… I’ll have to re-start this topic another day, as tonight I’m not sure exactly what I’m blabbering about.

Oh, and did you know? I remember the exact moment when I lose my heart to someone.

Sure, I’ll be somewhat unclear as to all the reasons WHY...in fact, I’m likely to drive myself crazy trying to figure it all out. But I know that once given away, it’s GONE and even if I could, I don’t want it back (ideally, I’d want that person to give me his heart instead).

And for that very reason, I’m scared.

Because I fear that if I see—in the flesh—the person who broke my heart, he could take this new one I’ve only just begun to re-build. I fear that, and it frustrates me as it means that on some level, I also don’t trust my heart. Or perhaps I am stronger, have come further than I think. However, sometimes I get to thinking...what if I’m more scared that in meeting each other again, I would realize I’m over him, over it ALL.

For if that were the case, it means I can’t use nursing-the-broken-heart or still-hung-up-over-the-past-heart to cowardly guard my heart away in oblivion.

So, maybe all I know for sure is that…I’m never going to be sure.

And maybe, just maybe, for now that’s good enough.

17 Musing(s):

Katherine said...

so I saw the title of your post and it scared the shit out of me. It's like you're reading my mind...and responding to it. Freaky. Recently I've been feeling very content and thinking about how I'm feeling very content and how nice it is and how I could deal with keeping it this way for a while...because I'm finally (pretty much) over (kind of?) the guys that have crushed me in the past year...

...but I know exactly what you mean about rebuilding your heart and not quite trusting it to not jump right back into his arms at the first opportunity. Right? So it's a tenuous contentment, with an edge of fear, an edge that repeats over and over in your ear "this is not going to last this is not going to last." Or maybe that's just me...

Anyway, I love you and be brave. We'll be here to catch you if you fall *cliche*

Joanne said...

Kath: Hahaha! Oh, I love you. It's def. not just you b/c I get that, too (although, using us to define standards of normality might not be the smartest idea, lols). I figure, when I finally meet a guy of whom I don't think, "I know we're going to end one day. This is not going to last, as much as I really like this person, as good as it is now, and even though I'll ride it out to the end."...well then, he must be the one. But sometimes, I don't know if such thoughts stem from intuition or a self-fulfilling prophecy...

The All Seeing Eye said...

You are stronger. And as usual, you give a deep post. Thanks

skinbeatergreg said...

Bored? In Darmstadt? He's pulling your leg!

Joanne said...

TASE: Yes! Thank you! It’s encouraging to see such words as I begin the new day. I know I am, too, but I also know that if he were persistent enough (like at the start of summer right before he left for Sweden), I’d probably end up seeing him…and all the strength in the world doesn’t stop me from feeling frustrated at myself for knowing that if such a hypothetical situation did happen, I’d be ginormously happy. Feelings are a complicated mess of knots, oh boy.

Greg: LOLs! Maybe so. Personally, I think he could be feeling disappointed for possibly having too high of an expectation for his time in Germany. But whatever the reason, reading stories of how he’s bored in Darmstadt, while undoubtedly fascinating, is quite unacceptable (and I told him as such). However, since I’m always so gullible, there’s def. a good chance you’re right about the whole pulling my leg thing. It’s happened before, like the time I was under the impression he had dyed his dirty blonde hair to black.

meleah rebeccah said...

I love real posts like this...when you are all over the place, free, writing whatever is in your head.....

Thanks for sharing this with me.

david@marketingdeviant.com said...

Just forget about him. Statistically speaking, you are in for more harm once you guys are back together.

mcgee said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Joanne...I love your writing...it's like your taking us on a guided tour of your thoughts.

ana said...

the warning was uncalled for. chaotic thoughts like these give an impressionist view of your mind. step back and look at it at large.

John said...

Dear Laid back Buddhist. A very compelling post. I have had the experience where years have gone by lamenting over a broken relationship. Feelings of anger,denial, grief , and misplaced resolve were experienced. I felt I had betrayed myself also by not trusting my instincts and by trusting in "love". In addition, I find it very difficult to trust my own assesment of situations going forward. I was able to identify with what you expressed in your post. Judging from the comments so far, many can relate. I would like to thank you for being honest;(I think) It helps. If there were any thing I would say to you,it would be that time does heal, because it affords you perspective attained by distance. Know also that people were born with instincts for a good reason, so don't doubt them. To quote the Deserata, "The Universe is unfolding as it should." And by the way....I think you're Gorgeous:)

xtina said...

I can't say I know how you must feel in the least. All I can say is that I hear you, and the whole situation really sucks.

But what I do know is that avoidance is not always best, and I'm certain that when you finally realize just how strong you really are you'll be confident enough to meet him face-to-face. Not a moment before. The Jo I know is strong-willed and self-assured, and those are two things no boy should EVER be able to take away from you.

If he does I'll beat him with his own stick. =P
That, my dear, is a promise.

Michelle said...

i can definitely relate to this post. being afraid that he will take your heart again is completely normal and a fear of mine as well. just talking to my ex on the phone sometimes breaks a little piece off...

Nola (nolanotes.com) said...

dammit, girl, I LOVE you! I gotta go figure how to nominate you for a "perfect post" or something. You truly have some mad writing skills! Love it!

ps--good luck on exams!

Valley Girl said...

Hey, I used to watch Korean movies with my friends, too. So addicting.

RennyBA said...

Very readable and thoughtful post. My wife always say (and maybe it can give you some inspiration too): "It works if you work it, so work it, your worth it!"

Wishing you a great week ahead :-)

RennyBA's Terella

sfgirl said...

Wonderful post, Joanne...It's okay never to be sure...That's when you know you are truly LIVING...

Meantime...here's something to distract you more... :): http://sfgirl-thealiennextdoor.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-are-when-you-were-bornreally-meme.html. Have some fun with it, like I know you can...

Debi McSwain said...

What excellent writing! As a stolen heart veteran... you can't go back. I always tried, but it never worked. Not once.
Debi


IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH HELL, KEEP GOING.
Winston Churchill